CelebrityFIST!

Calendars are important things to have. They allow us to figure out when a bill is due and just how many days late we can let it slide before the calls start coming. Also, we can write a check and figure out how soon we need to have money in the bank before the check bounces.

Oh yeah, also to remember what birthdays parents, spouses, lovers, siblings, relatives, and the like have as well as various special days (birthdays, anniversaries, “that time of the month”, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Spiro Agnew’s Birthday, last blowjob, next blowjob, etc.).

This is something we’ll see all year. So you have to make it something worth looking at.

And gentleman - THIS is the only calendar you need for 2008.

The UK Magazine “Nuts” (appropriate for a men’s mag) has come out with a delicious calendar for ‘08. In case you don’t recognize the names, I was kind enough to bring along pictures (NSFW). You can see them after the jump.

Almost makes you want to look forward to next year.

(more…)

Remember when she was this hot? Yeah, me neither.

Well, I’m skipping the Chinese adoption thing, the fact that her album is now tanking – hard, and her latest upskirt (yawn). My poor brain can only tolerate so much stress. I will note that there are sex lives of some celebs I am curious about. But Britney? Uh, no. She lands somewhere between Zac Efron and Gus Van Zandt…

…and I don’t even know who the FUCK they are!

Anyway – it seems that the newest “scandal” (“Britney scandal”? Talk about redundant.) is her “sex palace” (*gasp*). From that monolith of journalism, The New York Daily News (via The Star):

(Star Magazine) alleges that the plummeting pop star’s Mulholland Drive mansion is equipped with a double-locked, X-rated “Fantasy Room” filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe. (Please, hold your shudders until the end.)

The second-floor room also features a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits, according to an “insider” who stumbled into the den of sin.

“She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid’s uniform and a Cinderella outfit,” claims the mole. The source also contends Brit is so obsessed with Marilyn Monroe that she wants her nose redone to look like the blond model of self-destruction.

As the saying goes: this was where I threw up a little.

Nothing says “fuck me” like a trailer trash hooker dressed up in a schoolgirl uniform. Her beer gut hanging out and wobbling while she tries to sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)”.

*HORRRK!*

Shit. It reminds of the time I went to this little “stripclub” which was actually a bar with a pole in the middle of the floor. The bartendress would serve drinks for about 5 minutes then go to the pole, strip, move pathetically, get no tips, and then go back to the bar to serve drinks.

I stopped going there after a couple of years.

(Yeah, there’s also a bit about her house stinking like dog & baby shit; but c’mon – like that’s a fuckin’ surprise.)

A few days ago, the Miss Puerto Rico Pageant was held and it expected would make a little splash after it was over.

The splash was hardly little and it occurred after the Pageant was done.

See, the winner Ingrid Marie Rivera apparently had to tear off her evening gown shortly after winning because “someone” not only put pepper spray in her evening gown but spiked her makeup as well. This caused her to break out in hives.

On the flip side, there are grumblings in the San Juan paper that not only was rude to the other contestants but that the entire pageant was rigged for her to win (in Spanish, sorry).
NOW – authorities are wondering show Ms. Rivera was able to keep her composure if her gown was truly sabotaged with pepper spray. Duh.

To further complicate matters, the Pageant’s Director (and owner) Magali Febles said that the final day of competition was postponed due to a bomb threat.

And we have some rather damning accusations comes from Lossip:

Personally, I have been following this competition prior to this nonsense ever hit the fan, and let me tell you something, no one likes the girl. I don’t buy for one minute her dress was pepper sprayed until after the contest.

Most American news sites may not know this, but the Magali Febles (the pageant director and owner) is a close and personal friend of the girl who won and her family.

This is public knowledge in Puerto Rico, and many critics wondered whether or not Febles would rig the pageant so that Ingrid, who is a veteran pageant winner (Miss World Caribbean 2005, Miss World Puerto Rico 2005, Miss Global Queen 2003) could win.

If she won, the Caribbean island would therefore have a more experienced female represent Puerto Rico in the pursuit for the title of Miss Universe. I’m telling you, this pageant was rigged rigged rigged

Curiouser and curiouser. If that were the case, I serious doubt that she now has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the “Big One”.

In either case, here’s pics of Ms. Rivera just after the announcement she won…

And some other miscellaneous pics of her:

From the Daily Star:

FAT-tongued Jamie Oliver has incurred the wrath of Angelina Jolie by accidentally calling her daughter Piloh Shit instead of Shiloh Pitt.

The celeb chef phoned up the Womb Raider to tell her how pukka her new film Beowulf is.

And he politely asked after her daughter but was unable to get his chops around the name and made an unfortunate Spoonerism instead.

The mortified chef has sent the actress a dessert made with her fave food, Cheerios cereal, as a tasty apology.

An insider said: “It was just a slip of the tongue. But it did sound like he was dissing her first-born.”

We blame the parents.

I wanna fuck love Angelina Jolie so let me say this in response to this horrible slip of the tongue.

BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

I can’t believe I didn’t notice that sooner. That’s fucking hilarious! The kid is officially doomed.

Is Victoria Beckham (aka “Robo-Spice”) missing her implants? - Daily Mail

Marie Osmond’s Fainting Spell On “Dancing With The Stars” May Have Been Faked - TMZ 

Britney Spears may or may not be pregnant (God help us all) - X17 Online

Carson Daly crossing Writers’ Strike Picket Line (just to remind us he still exists - yippee) - People

Last (but not least) - Christina Aguilera is naked - and pregnant - in Marie Claire (of all things).  You know what?  If she looked liked this in real life (you know these are Photoshop); I’d do her.  I’d do her now.

The poor Count, stuck in his castle on Sesame Street(!?) he’s got nothing to do except to *bleep*. I know when I was a kid I liked to *bleep* everything in my room. Eventually I got really good at *bleep*ing things. Heck, even my teachers would make me go to the front of the class to show off my *bleep*ing skills. My classmates would be in awe when I could keep *bleep*ing longer after they gave up.

Just call me a *bleep*ing fool.

This was the best pic. Seriously.
In news that is shocking penises the world over, it is our sad duty to report that the hotness of Jennifer Love Hewitt - that masturbatory aid to men the world over (as well as being an actress, apparently) died due to unknown circumstances. As of this time, Jennifer Love Hewitt herself has not released at statement at this time regarding to the death of her hotness.

For a woman who has no kids and for most part has avoided the Hilton/Lohan minefield; she’s only 28! I seriously thought she was like 30 at least. Damn, gravity is a bitch - and she is laying siege on JLH.

You know what the big problem with doing a blog is for me? I keep getting distracted by all the pretty pictures. No, really. Face it, as much as I like to know how what Britney is fucking up this time; I’d much rather look at someone like Jennifer Ellison below. Why? Cuz I’m a guy! Duh. However, since some of these don’t warrant a single post, I’ll occasionally be dumping all together. I figure you won’t mind.

First, is Jennifer Ellison (according to Wiki) an “English actress, glamour model, television personality, dancer and singer”. But then explains this with the fact that “she is renowned for having a large 38DD bust”. Here, she’s out rollerblading and I’ll let you decide if they’re real or not:

Next up we have Lisa Rinna who is obviously seeking some attention since she’s kinda enough to open her top when she realizes the paps are around. Yo, Harry Hamlin, you better watch it - it looks like your wife is on the prowl!

Now we have our “unofficial” obsession Hayden Panettiere (hey, some blogs have Britney - I think you’d prefer seeing this one). Normally she’d rate her own post but there’s no skin. However, she is wearing some nice tight jeans so here she is!

Note to other blogs - look just because you can see her bra doesn’t mean it’s see-thru! it’s nipple or nothing people. Hell, even I know that!