CelebrityFIST!

She looks like a lot of strippers I know… 

Dammit, here I am getting ready for work (at the “real” job) and I find out that Britney Spears has apparently gone crackers.  Again.

From reports of an attempted suicide (X17) and erratic driving (People); Britney’s cuckoo doctor psychiatrist decided it was best that she be locked up placed under medical supervision, which is a good thing; apparently Britney is accusing her mom of sleeping with Adnan (TMZ).  Also from the same post…

Our sources say Britney said she was on Adderall, a stimulant used to treat Attention Deficit Disorder, and was taking up to ten laxatives a day. Side note — cameras caught Spears a few days ago picking up a bagful of laxatives.

Well I always knew Britney was full of shit.

In any case, her psychiatrist has signed off on a 5150 and got a judge to agree to it.  What this means is that Britney will probably be held to early Sunday morning.  Further, the shrink and the judge can forcibly hold for up to 14 days if it’s warranted.

This is what happens when your friends and family are shit and only care about milking the money tit.

ContactMusic.com:

British beauty KATE BECKINSALE almost didn’t attend the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards - because her pet cat caught fire. The actress was preparing for the awards ceremony on Sunday night when her cat, Clive, became engulfed in flames after burning himself on a candle. But Beckinsale did eventually make it to the awards with husband Len Wiseman to present Alec Baldwin with his award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series in 30 Rock. She tells People.com, “Our cat caught fire on a candle. As I was getting ready, there was like ‘whoosh’ a fireball and he went up like a rocket. “(The cat) is fine. He had no idea. It was awful.”

While I’m glad her cat’s okay, I wonder if she actually debated:  “Oh dear, my feline friend has gone up in flames!  Should I still go to the awards show?”   Most likely, she told her maid to just keep Clive under the cold water til he stops smoldering and if worse came to worse; fajitas tonight!!

A nice double dose of “Something Different” - for those who want to a chuckle and for those who want to see half-naked chicks.

ABOVE - “How Not To Be Seen”, another classic piece from the Monty Python pantheon (there’s a tongue twister!).

BELOW - The only way I’d ever watch a cricket match: with Aussie chicks in bikinis!

Beats sunflower seeds any day!

BEHOLD, the greatest vending machine of all time!

Fox News:

LOS ANGELES —  The city that popularized the fast food drive-thru has a new innovation: 24-hour medical marijuana vending machines.

Patients suffering from chronic pain, loss of appetite and other ailments that marijuana is said to alleviate can get their pot with a dose of convenience at the Herbal Nutrition Center, where a large machine will dole out the drug around the clock.

Now a drive-thru would be cool, definitely put the “Happy” back into “Happy Meal”.  Of course, the po-po is none too thrilled with this development.

“Somebody owns (it), it’s on a property and somebody fills it,” said DEA Special Agent Jose Martinez. “Once we find out where it’s at, we’ll look into it and see if they’re violating laws.”

The Drug Enforcement Agency and other federal agencies have been actively shutting down major medical marijuana dispensaries throughout the state over the last two years and charging their operators with felony distribution charges.

Having never done the drug myself (no, really!) I don’t see the problem with just legalizing it.  But then again, that’s probably why my political career died after I ran for troop leader in the Cub Scouts.  Not my fucking fault, but now I know why everyone loved my Mom’s brownies.

I’ll be the first to admit, Playboy just doesn’t have quite the bite it used to have.  Maybe it’s from the continuous injection of porn I receive on a daily basis from the internet (and that’s just in my emails!), or maybe it’s from the general blandness of all the playmates of late (honestly, if you looked at last year’s playmates would you actually be able to tell them apart??).

Or maybe it’s because of all the Photoshopping done so they look almost as fake as those toys from last week.  Whatever.

Anyway, this just leads me to believe they don’t make Playmates like Jennifer Walcott anymore.   From Ohio, she doesn’t have the vacant look like she’s “studying” to be an “actress” and has aged well since her appearance in the magazine back in 2001.  It is for these reasons that I dub her a WIFBID.  Unfortunately, the odds of that happening are even longer than they already would be.  See, she’s (1) pregnant, and (2) married to a pro baseball player.

Hmm, then again her husband’s gonna be away during the summer…. 

(pics after the jump)

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From ContactMusic:

MILEY CYRUS left the stage midway through a concert in New Orleans, Louisiana on Saturday after telling the audience she was feeling unwell. The Hannah Montana superstar remained backstage for five minutes, before returning to finish her set. Walking to a stool onstage, the 15-year-old told the sold-out crowd, “Thanks, you guys. I feel a lot better, but I’m going to sit this one down.”

Believe me, I’m sure she’s thinking in the back of her mind, “WHEW!  Safe for another month!”  Maybe she should consider a sponsorship with Midol (for those days when you just “have to go with the flow”).
….

Aw, fuck you; like you weren’t glad when “the bill” came for your girlfriend!

One is a frog, the other is a French stereotype.
ContactMusic.com:

BRITNEY SPEARS‘ comeback album BLACKOUT has been named album of the year by French radio station NRJ. The ceremony, which took place on Saturday in Cannes, praised the troubled star’s latest effort, which fought off competition from Amy Winehouse, Mika, James Blunt and Rihanna.

The awards also saw Justin Timberlake and Avril Lavigne honoured, landing gongs for best International Male and Female respectively. R+B star Rihanna, who picked up International Song of the Year for Don’t Stop The Music, debuted a new shorter hairstyle at the French ceremony. Winehouse, who was up for International Revelation and International Album, was scheduled to perform at the event - but was unable to honour the appearance after she was admitted to rehab in London on Thursday.

Way to go France!  You finally get some respect for having the hottest first lady ever and then you have to fuck it up by giving the best album of the year to Britney??  Damn, you all are group of tone-deaf dickweeds.  That crap album is so damn overproduced Ashley Simpson could have done the vocals and probably would’ve won album of the year!

Hell, Amy Winehouse would’ve been a better choice - she maybe a coked-out, anorexic, psychotic, twig of a woman but at least she show’s some talent!

Often conquered, never tamed (I still don’t believe the marriage thing) 

ContactMusic.com:

SCARLETT JOHANSSON was flattered when troops stationed in the Persian Gulf offered her their clothes as a gift during a visit to their camp last week.  The 23-year-old actress met over 3,500 men and women serving overseas during her stops at American bases in Kuwait as part of the United Service Organizations tour. Servicemen gifted the Lost In Translation star with patches torn off their jackets and challenge coins from their military units - with one Marine even offering up a medal adorned with the image of Saint Christopher, the patron saint of travellers. She says, “Everybody that I met there was so incredibly friendly and polite and genuine and generous. They were so, so sweet. I mean, I was just amazed.” One star-struck soldier gushed, “You’ve made my whole deployment!”

Ah, it is truly amazing what guys will do for some pussy isn’t?  I like the deployment comment because I have the feeling that there were a bunch of soldiers deploying “seamen” that night.  All hands on dick!  This is not a drill!
Shit, if they really wanted to impress her … give her an M1 Abrams tank; there’s a gift that keeps on giving (as long as the ammo holds anyway).

All jokes aside, it’s nice to see someone cheering up those guys and Scarlett’s just the one to do it.  Well, Rosie O’Donnell could do the same thing … after she was shot up in a rocket launcher at the insurgents.

I was gonna save this till next week, but fuck it - I need another laugh.  This chick manages to nail down the very reason why guys want women to just shut up every once in a while.  Kinda hard to get your mack on when she’s make asses out of both of you.  Enjoy!

Alright, kids. Unca Chaoz is drunk, pissed, and horny … yeah, yeah - “again”. Well, I’ve got a little something different for Saturday’s Porn Night (SPN) … Women I’d Fuck Before I Die (WIFBID).

This is a combination of two things: (1) The whole MILF/DILF/GILF/FLILF thing that’s exploded on the net, (2) the damn book about place to see before I keel over. Shove to two together (after some heaving drinking) and you get: WIFBID.

The great thing about WIFBID is that they could be any woman; single, divorced, childless, homeless, whatever. Enjoy pass it around … it’s my bid at Internet immortality.

But I digress..

Up first on this list is Juliana Knust. To which your response is “Who-liana What?”  Okay, I don’t really know who she is but here’s what Wikipedia had on her (savagely translated by Babelfish and then me):

Juliana Knust Sampaio (Niterói, Rio De Janeiro, 29 of May of 1981) is a Brazilian actress. She had great success on TV after acting with Malu Mader in the soap opera Celebrity as Sandra. After this, were photoshoots in different magazines as Good Form and VIP. She posed naked for the centerfold of the Brazilian edition of the mens’ magazine Playboy, that arrived on shelves December 13, 2007.

Actually, all I see is someone who’s a cross between Eva Longoria and Angie Harmon, which is kinda weird since I don’t find Harmon attractive in the least and would like to jump Longoria only for the “midget” factor. Talk about the sum of the whole being greater than the parts.

You be the judge (pics after the jump)

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