CelebrityFIST!

It’s been a really shitty week. My partner at my “real job” left me high & dry so it’s been hectic (which explains the small number of posts at weird times). I need a chuckle and this did the trick for me….

Japanese Toilet Training (w/ Subtitles!!)

Okay, weird but not funny enough? Well, in that case try this for size.

Japanese TV Show: Human Tetris

Dramatization of News Article
Nope, someone apparently has a more mad-on for Miley Cyrus than most of us saner folk.  See, I hate Miley Cyrus.  Why?  Maybe because she looks like a piggy (as noted yesterday).  Or maybe because I generally hate kids.  Most likely though, I fail to understand how she is such a “big star” if I didn’t know who the hell she was six months ago.  I mean, I remember seeing “Hannah Montana” CDs and stuff but I figured that was like “Raffi” or “Dora The Explorer”.  All I know is I wake up one day and Miley-freakin’-Cyrus is a “cultural phenomenon”!?  Who fell asleep at that wheel???

I still have the same problem with “High School Musical”, but I digress…

Authorities have charged a teenage boy who said he planned to hijack a commercial jetliner in an attempt to commit suicide, an FBI spokesman said late Thursday.

The 16-year-old was taken into custody by airport police without incident on Tuesday evening after flying from Los Angeles, California, to Nashville, Tennessee, on Southwest Airlines Flight 284.

“His stated intent was to hijack the airplane and commit suicide,” said George Bolds, an FBI spokesman in Memphis, Tennessee. “He did indicate he intended to die in Louisiana. It appears he had a ticket to Louisiana.”

The teen wanted to crash the plane into a Hannah Montana concert in Lafayette, Louisiana, two CNN television affiliates in Nashville, WSMV and WTVF, reported, citing unnamed sources. The concert is scheduled for Friday night at the Lafayette Cajundome.(source)

Then Fox News added this tidbit:

Bolds said the teen was calm throughout the flight and never made an attempt to hijack the plane but told the FBI after he was apprehended about his original plans to commandeer the aircraft. Authorities searched the teen’s home in California and found a mock cockpit.(source)

Yikes.  I mean I would like to see Hannah and all of her rabid fans in a smoldering crater, but damn there are better things in life.  “Porn” comes immediately to mind.

Another thing, I just love how news services always use that ever reliable “unnamed source”.  Hmm, okay….

“Unnamed sources” to me say that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton had a threesome with me last week.

….and they DID - dreams are a wonderful thing… 

This is Kimberly Stewart…

surprisingly that’s all I had on her for about an hour.  I mean I know she’s Rod Stewarts kid and likes to hang around Paris, Lindsay, Kim Kardashian, etc; but other than that … well, she’s pretty non-descript.

She’s kinda like that girl who you meet at a party, you try to start a conversation with her but you can’t keep enough of her attention as she always winds up talking to someone else.  So just as the party’s winding down, you figured you struck out when she says “Wanna go to my place to fuck?” and you say “Yes” not because you actually want to fuck her but mostly out of confusion.  Suddenly you find yourself in her apartment fucking quietly on the sofa because her roommate’s asleep in the bedroom they share and after you manage to get off, she’s says “Thanks for a nice night” and sends you on your merry way.  Then as you’re in your car on your way home you suddenly realize that: (1) you don’t remember her name, and (2) you never even got her phone number, so you’re just kinda dumbfounded at what just happened and feel kinda used, so you decide not to mention this to anybody because the whole situation just sounds too weird to explain.

…

…

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Okay, long time readers of this blog (which in the scheme of things means a few weeks) know that I am a pervert and I am proud of that fact.  Being the perv I am; it takes ALOT to make me flinch.  Hell, “2Girls1Cup”?  Nothing, in fact I was asking what the big deal was.

THIS made me flinch.

I like anime.  I’ve even seen anime porn.  But this?  Whoa.  Here’s Fleshbot’s take on it:

Are Real Dolls a little too “real” and mature looking for your tastes … you know, like they look like they’re going to ask you to remember to take out the garbage once you’re done having your way with them? Do you secretly fantasize about making it with the Bratz Dolls’ older, curvier sisters? Well, it’s your lucky year: the brand new Boy Toy Dolls are just what you’ve been looking for Handcrafted by the creator of Real Doll, they promise to offer all the real(ish) sensations of your favorite plastic sex surrogate with stylized, outsized anime-like facial features that are just the thing if you’ve ever fantasized about going on a date with Sailor Moon. But act fast, because these babes come in strictly limited quantities: “Each Boy Toy is named after a month, and the quantity of each doll that will be made will be equal to the number of days in that month. There will only be 31 Miss December dolls, 31 Miss January, etc.” They grow up so fast, don’t they?

Yes, for only $7500 you too can fuck something that fell out Japanese porn comic.  Okay, I can possibly see where you might spend money for a Real Doll - granted you’re slightly unhinged but at least she looks real.  These BoyToys however mean that not only can you not find a real woman to fuck, but you don’t anything to do with fucking reality (pun intended).

Yikes.

No thanks, I’ll stick to porn.  That’s enough fantasy for me.

P.S. — I decided that in the interests of journalistic integrity you all would be allow to see just how complete these dolls are (especially since you all are to chicken to actually go there yourselves); so graphic pics after the jump…

(more…)

Well, I can’t tell the difference!
This is why I post at night, because all the really retarded shit tends to slink onto the Net at this time.

(yes, I count my post as “retarded shit” as well)

Take for example this lovely piece of news.

MILEY CYRUS and her pop star alter ego HANNAH MONTANA are heading to the big screen. Following the success of the High School Musical movies, Disney wants Cyrus to conquer cinemas, after becoming a TV hit and selling out an entire live concert tour. Sources tell Star magazine writers are working on the script, and Disney bosses hope to star shooting later this year. An insider tells the tabloid, “The movie is set to begin filming this summer and the script, which needs a little tweaking, has been greenlighted for the past few months.” (source)

…

Actually, while I’m sure children (which are now officially dumber than the previous generation) will just drool mindlessly at the screen watching Miley being Hannah (who’s being Miley in real life, anyway); I’ve noticed something kinda disturbing.

She’s looking a little on the piggy side, don’tchya think??

I mean, her calves are something you could find on a prize pig and her face is getting those jowls real early. I think on an alternate Earth, she’s got 2 kids already and is sitting in front of the “teevee” while watching Dr. Phil and eating ice cream with a soup spoon.

One could eat raw like sushi … the other is a whale.

Hayden Panettiere is definitely serious about this “Save The Whales” business.  In fact, she has actually opened a website called  “Hayden Panettiere Closet” where she actually sells clothes that have been bought, given, and stolen for her.

Heroes star HAYDEN PANETTIERE has set up a new charity in a bid to help fund those trying to save threatened whales off the coast of Japan. The heroic actress joined protestors in the water late last year but couldn’t stop fishermen bludgeoning sealife. Panettiere was caught on camera sobbing about the loss of life she desperately tried to save, while defending herself from angry fisherfolk’s harpoons. And now the actress is using her fame and fashion sense to raise cash for the campaign to save the whales. She has launched website PanettiereCloset.com, where she’ll sell off items from her wardrobe. All proceeds will go to the Save the Whales Again campaign. (source)

…

Yeah, I know you’re wondering the same thing…

…

No, she’s not selling any panties on the website.  That said, you SO KNOW you’d go and buy them if you she ever put them up for sale.  Don’t lie, motherfucker.  I know you.  Pervert. 

What she is selling though is just everything else short of underwear.   Of course, you already know that since you’ve gone to the website anyway to make sure she wasn’t selling panties.

This has got me thinking though.  Imagine a place where you could buy “The Panties of the Stars!” - all for charity, of course.  It really is quite obvious, once you think about it.  These celebs are always spouting about “saving the world” and “helping the children” and some such.  Well…time to put your undies where you mouth is!

(which reminds of this one summer in college, but I digress)

Personally, I would prefer bathing in 18-year-old redheads, but to each their own…

From ContactMusic.com:

BRITNEY SPEARS‘ legal team has withdrawn a request to quit the pop star’s child custody case. Attorneys for Los Angeles legal company Trope + Trope filed a motion requesting permission to withdraw as the singer’s counsel at the beginning of January. Her lawyers cited a “communication breakdown” with Spears for the request. Los Angeles Commissioner Scott Gordon, who has overseen Spears’ custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline, agreed to set a date for a hearing into the lawyers’ request. But now Sorrel Trope and his colleagues have called off the 4 February hearing, according to TMZ.com. Trope + Trope representatives appeared to be tired of Spears’ courthouse tardiness when she failed to appear for an emergency custody hearing on Tuesday. The troubled pop star arrived at the courthouse in Los Angeles and passed through a metal detector, but reports suggest she fled before actually entering court. When an impatient Gordon asked Spears’ lawyer if the client would be appearing before him, as scheduled, he was told, “I don’t know whether she’ll be here or not.”

Okay, obviously something must have happened between the time they wanted to bail and today and Lord knows it ain’t communication. Since they requested to be removed, their client had a nervous breakdown, developed an English accent, went to Mexico with a paparazzi guy, and lost her kids.

I can only guess she had someone drive a dumptrunk full of money into their offices and gave it to them to bathe in (kinda like Uncle Scrooge does in his money bin). Of course, it could be they got sexual favors out Britney … but I’d like to think that even lawyers have standards (no matter how low they might be).