CelebrityFIST!

Elizabeth Hurley looking mighty ’sari’ here. (Yeah, I know it sucks; all the other ones I had were Indian jokes)

I start by saying that I would fuck Elizabeth Hurley. I really would. If she walked into my bedroom took off her clothes and said “Fuck me”; I’m not gonna say “wellll, I would but you’re cheap”. Christ, I’m not stupid, y’know!

That said, she is a cheap as one cannot believe - especially if you believe the UK Daily Mail:

Liz Hurley and husband Arun Nayar have been accused of paying their Indian maid as little as £1.20 an hour.

Violet d’Souza, who is said to have been brought to Britain by Mr Nayar’s family, claims she was paid in rupees for working up to 70 hours a week at the couple’s Chelsea home.

She was due to take her case to an employment tribunal tomorrow but it has been dropped after she was reported to have been offered a five-figure settlement.

Apparently, that’s like $4 an hour of something. I dunno, I’m not a banker If I was I would be retired on the Caymans sipping pina coladas while young tropical girls annoint me with oils. Though with the economy what it is, I’d probably have a second job as the night manager at a McDonalds.

On the other hand, I’d let Liz Hurley pay me $4 an hour … but only if it’s to fuck her … and only if her husband doesn’t watch (I’m a gentleman, I’m not down like that).

Let’s see what Unca Chaoz has in his little black laptop today…

Eva Longoria showing off the talents the landed her a husband.  Uh, Eva, the popsicle’s not THAT wide, or is it just a reflex action now?

Adriana Lima reminding me of how Angelina Jolie used to be really hot…

Natalia Mesa Bush - yeah, I know she looks as real as a $3 bill but then again, if you’re looking for reality on the Internet, booooy do YOU have problems!!
 

Kelly Brook still looks delicious.

AND Definitely, NOT least; Alexandra Kemp - ultimate MILF candidate … why?  Well, for starters she’s 40… no, really.
Bonus round — a couple of nudies of her after the jump.  Don’t forget!!! (more…)

Well, it’s another fuckin’ Wednesday.  The world stinks.  People suck.  My job’s a pain in the ass.  So what’s the solution?

Simple.

Shrubbery!

“Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say ‘ni’ at will to old ladies!” 

Enjoy. 

Oh goodies, remember those Paris Hilton pics yesterday?  Well, now sister Nikki Hilton gets into the act with her; but not showing as much as her slutty sis.

The obligatory redhead - Alicia Witt still looks good (considering I haven’t seen her in a movie for a decade).

Keira Knightley looking very elegant again (but still in need of a sandwich) 

Jessica Biel showing off one helluva profile (also at the BAFTAs).

And lastly, Brooke Hogan - who likes like she might be the one eating Keira’s sandwiches.

Since “Volume 1″ was misdated - it should have been “2/16/08″.  Whatever…

Caroline Francischini demonstrates the view I’d like to have when I get home … and I’m not talking about the window, either.

Old pictures of Tara Reid - before she became plastic and pickled.  Look into her eyes and you can almost hear the gerbil on it’s treadwheel.

Paris Hilton flashing her gash in see thru panties.  Look at her panties and you almost hear THAT gerbil on it’s treadwheel.

Keira Knightley looking like she might need a sandwich (BAFTA portraits).

Angie Everhart … (drools) … have I mentioned I love redheads in the last 5 minutes??

Last (and least) - Avril Lavigne trying to look sexy/relevant in March’s Maxim (and failing, yet again).

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that Lindsay Lohan makes for a terrible Marilyn Monroe.  For starters, Marilyn Monroe had some acting talent, natural charisma, and a flirtatious nature that disarmed heads of state.  Lindsay Lohan’s talent mainly consists of being an apparent great lay, little charisma, and a slutty nature that disarms most men who think with their dicks (i.e.: most men).

I’m also amazed that once again it’s New York magazine (of all places) that these pics show up.  Playboy?  Nope.  Penthouse?  Not even.  I might just have to get a monthly steal subscription to find out what other nudes they wind up with.  Jessica Alba?  Jennifer Love Hewitt (Thanksgiving edition, no doubt)?
That said I will indeed be fapping away later.  Her freckles only turn me on, her tits look absolutely great and I’m just disappointed we don’t get to see the notorious “firecrotch”.  Yeah, yeah, she’s got a Arby’s sandwich with too much Horsey Sauce for a cooch, but dammit! I’d still break a piece!!!

The nudes are after the jump, see you there! >fap!<>fap!<>fap!< (more…)

Welllll, the truth is I’ve been busy at work (as stated before), however just as importantly … I think I burnt out on celeb news for the past couple of weeks. At one point I was reading 20 different feeds with so much celeb news that my staff at the ChaozCentral summarily committed mental suicide by reading all of Courtney Love’s blogs in one sitting.

…I’ve been cleaning up fetid brain matter for days! So - I’ve laid off reading much of the celeb news of late but I still am going to keep this blog going until I can get back my Sarcasm Lobe back. What does this mean?

Gratuitous Goodies are still going strong (my ‘bread and butter’ so to speak).

Getting back to “Something Different” - because lets face it we need a fucking chuckle on Wednesdays.

Saturday Night Porn WILL be returning - promise!!!

Celeb news is taking a down turn until I recharge the old batteries - unless its something incredibly (non-Britney) stupid, in which case I’ll jump on it like a hot redhead high school coed on her 18th birthday.

99.99999% LESS Britney - this bitch fried my head with her sheer stupidity. It’s like being in “Groundhog Day” instead of Bill Murray, it’s Britney Spears.

THAT my friends would make anyone do a “Ledger”.

OOOOOOO - too soon?

**********

Call it “growing pains” or remembering I still have a life on the outside. But the FIST! is still around, except for now you’re only gonna have to settle for a couple of fingers instead.

OH! And just for putting up with my spiel, here’s a nice picture of what I want for Xmas.

Y’know - you’d think that by NOW, I’ve already filled prescriptions for every sick person in the city. Nope, they just keep coming and coming.

…which is the opposite of my social life, but that’s another story…

Lindy Booth from 2005. All I can say is: red eyebrows. You know what they say about the eyebrows right?

Zooey Deschanel looking all cute retro.

Worship the legs of Charlie Brooks!

From Russia, Irina (Sheik) Shaykhlislamova (would love to lay siege on her walls!):

Last (but NOT least), Anne Vyalitsyna. Now I know how they stay warm in those Russian winters!

Elsa Pataky looking simply delicious.

Lindsay Lohan leaving Avalon with her a buzz and her vodka water.

Joss Stone is supposedly a singer of some talent - all I know is I wanna do nasty, NASTY things with her.

Dita Von Teese looking like … well Dita Von Teese 

Last, but definitely NOT least, Bianca Gascoigne looking like … :::drooling:::

Fergie - the new spokeswoman for the Pontiac Gash

“Drive the Gash … everyone else has!”
No, really. I mean she wears a skirt barely long enough to cover her hips and then has the audacity to wear panties?

Wow, I bet that the first time “audacity” and “panties” have been in the same sentence…

C’mon, “Stacy”; next time just let that roast beef sandwich marinate in the wind, babe. Of course maybe she be better off in pants since she pissed herself once before already.