CelebrityFIST!

Oh sure, Michael Jackson dies and everyone mourns his legacy, Brittany Murphy passes people and say “what if”.  All well and good, but one someone really special dies, few blink an eye and all you see is a “oh yeah, this guy died” press release.

Fuck you, world.

Anyway, Donald Goerke died on Sunday.  You don’t know him, hell I don’t him but he created Spaghetti-os and Chunky Soup.  Read on:

The Campbell Soup Co. executive who was behind the enduring brands SpaghettiOs and Chunky Soup has died.

Donald Goerke (GUHR’-kee) was 83. A Campbell spokesman confirmed that Goerke died of heart failure Sunday at his home in Delran in southern New Jersey.

Goerke was marketing research director of Campbell’s Franco-American line in the early 1960s when his group started dreaming up pasta in shapes that would appeal to kids. He chose the o’s. They were marketed with the unforgettable tagline, “Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs.”

Fuck.  I wrote a ton of really nice shit below this - including a lyric poem that combined elements of Kubla Khan and Spaghettios but it apparently got baleeted by accident.

Anyway, suffice to say that Spaghettios are THE SHIT.  I ate’em as a kid and eat’em now.  Not the ones with the meatballs though - nope gotta be the ’sliced franks’.  Joke all you want about a single dude eating cold Spaghettios (because I have) but I’m fuckin’ PROUD to be an eater of them.

So from me and my mom (who no doubt would have killed me if Spaghettios weren’t there to dangle as a carrot to keep me in line), thanks Mr. Goerke, wherever you are.

Later, he helped introduce Chunky Soup, a hearty ready-to-serve soup that stood out from the company’s traditional line of condensed soups.

The Waukesha, Wis., native worked for Camden-based Campbell for 35 years, retiring in 1990. (Sauce)

Let me just say that Spaghettios are THE SHIT.  I’ve been eating them since I was a Chaoz-tyke.  And I can’t stand the ones with meatballs.  Fuck that.  Give me the one with sliced franks.  To this day, I still eat those and Boy-R-Dee’s Ravioli.  Hell, whenever I was being a pain in the ass my moms would say “if you behave you can have spaghettios tonight for supper.”  That was like filet mignon to a snot like me.

So from me and my moms (who no doubt would’ve killed me at some point if not for spaghettios) - thanks Mr. Goerke, wherever you are!

Okay, I loved the man but Hugh Hefner really has … I dunno, senility perhaps?  Its one thing to take your once mighty magazine and turn it into a poor-man’s Maxim (which is double insult since Maxim was originally a poor-man’s Playboy).  I mean, c’mon!  Layouts of some C-listing celebs that aren’t even nude?  And the ones we get?  Tara Reid?  Lisa Rinna?  What is this Playboy or Plastic Surgery For Dummies Monthly? (more…)

Yeah, same ol’ story.  Have no fuckin’ idea who this is other than she’s Kaley Cuoco and most like a TV actress.  Lets face it, you don’t care, I don’t care - we just want skin right?  My ‘editor’ - re: one of my cats - tells me she’s on Big Bang Theory (they watch more TV than I do since I’m usually at work).

These pics are cover proofs for Maxim and no telling which one will be used.  Of course, if I were running the magazine I’d use the sideboob pic.  But hey - that makes too much fuckin’ sense.  I’m sure we’ll see the belly baring because exposing a button is ALWAYS better than exposing a nip. 
*sigh* No wonder I don’t get the cushy jobs.

On one hand, feel bad for Jennifer Love Hewitt.  See, she had this hot body, never showed it off now its slowly going to shit.  She can’t keep a boyfriend to save her life (so much so that her latest beau Jaime Kennedy - poseur extraordinaire & L-lister - seems to want out).  Plus she hasn’t given me a blowjob, so she doesn’t know what she’s missing.

(No really, how many chubby Mexican men could she have possibly blown so far?  I’m sure less than 10.)

Whatever, obviously she has ‘methods’ of trying to make herself feel better.  One way apparently is to glue rhinestones around her vagina.    Mmm.  No.

Actress JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT regularly gives her genitals a sparkly makeover - by decorating her “precious lady” with expensive crystals.
The Ghost Whisperer star first experienced the wonder of the vaginal glitter when a friend offered to add a dash of bling to cheer her up after a love split - and now she regularly adds a sparkle before going out to attend events, parties and launches.
She explains, “It’s called ‘vajazzling’. After a break-up, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady and it shined (sic) like a disco ball… Women should ‘vajazzle’ their vajay-jays (vagina).”
Hewitt confessed she was wearing the bling during her appearance on chat show (George) Lopez Tonight on Tuesday: “I am currently vajazzled… It’s cute.”
Asked if boyfriend Jamie Kennedy likes her sparkled vagina on the TV show, the actress quipped, “I’ve had no complaints.”

So … this means I have to put metal studs on my dick in order to feel better about myself??  Uh-huh.  WRONG.  Shit, she sounds more fucked up than Jennifer Aniston (and that’s a serious level of fucked up there).  And as far as Kennedy not complaining - any woman insane enough to stud her vagina is more than happy to chop up your dick and serve it as a sloppy joe.  I’m just saying.