CelebrityFIST!

Okay, I’m too lazy to crop photos, a’ight?

Well, as it has to inevitably happen; all these pregnant bitches women glowing from pregnancy are giving birth.  We had Christina Aguilera finally dropped her load on Saturday night.  Damn - I wonder what that screaming was in the distance the other night…

The baby boy’s name is Max Liron Bratman and…

Max Liron Bratman?  Well, “Max” is okay.  But “Liron”????  *One GIS later*  Hmm, Hebrew meaning “my song”.

…

How quaint. (rolls eyes)

Meanwhile, Nicole “Wrong Way” Ritchie gave birth also on Saturday to a girl and named her Harlow Winter Kate Madden.

…

Okay, “Harlow”’s cool (I think of Jean Harlow) and Kate’s perfectly fine.  But … Winter??????  Jeez, it’s a kid - not a pet?!

Then again this is from a guy who has 3 cats named Mariah, Britney, and J.Lo.  Yeah, you should hear the shit I get at the vet’s.

How cute - we have the same stomach pouch..
Well, never let it be said that Pamela Anderson was a woman of many words.  Of course, that can be kinda hard when you have had as much dick her mouth as she has had.  Anyway…

On top of the on-again, off-again, on-again marriage/divorce proceedings to Rick Salomon (aka: Paris’ SexTape Co-Star), there was a rumor going around that she was pregnant (I guess Rick would’ve been the father, but who can tell, right?).  So, everyone was waiting for confirmation from the uterus-in-question.  Instead we got this from her blog:

Well, apparently Rick (and Crissie Angel) have dodge a bullet on that one….

Actually, I’m still waiting for the revenge hook-up of Paris Hilton & Tommy Lee.  Followed by the inevitable hospitalization of Paris after Tommy’s anaconda bruises Paris in the throat … during anal.

…And it was this point that the trend needed to stop.

Heavily pregnant t.A.T.u. star Julia Volkova has stunned Russian fans by posing in nothing but her knickers for a new Maxim magazine shoot. The sultry singer and bandmate Lena Katina posed in their lingerie for the spread, which graces the new issue of Russia’s Maxim. Wearing nothing but black panties, Volkova, who is expecting her first child early in 2008, covers her breasts in the provocative photos, while redhead Katina kneels on a bed beside her bandmate, wearing red knickers and a matching bustier. The Russian pop stars agreed to pose for the saucy shoot to promote their new album Waste Management. Volkova isn’t the only pregnant star currently gracing a top magazine - Christina Aguilera can be seen showing off her baby bump on the cover and inside the new Marie Claire. (source)

Okay, the first hundred times were okay. Now? Umm, this seems to be what happens when you take erotic pictures of your Thanksgiving turkey. Oy.

Now with video!

From Wikipedia:

SKANK -  is slang and a pejorative term used in English to describe a certain type of female. The term “skank” differs from that of “slut” in that whereas the latter implies only sexual promiscuity; the former also implies poor taste, personally degrading behaviour and low socioeconomic class. Also used as slang for lower class female that is dirty or not presenting herself well. Other skank behaviors can include being obsessed with celebrity lifestyle and emulating it. Originally denoting a bad smell or a filthy surface, “skank” has come to refer to someone who is physically repugnant for their filth, and figuratively applied to someone who is morally or socially repugnant for their behavior and demeanor, most often sexual conduct.

I give you exhibit #1:  Jamie Lynn Spears.

In case you’ve been under a rock for the past 36 hours, OK! Magazine has the exclusive on news that the 16-year old idiot is pregnant:

A source tells us the interview, which hits stands [today], is six pages and is on the record with Jamie Lynn and her mother. She tells the mag that the father is Casey Aldridge, who she has been dating for some time and first met at church. Brit’s younger sister, star of Nickelodeon’s “Zoey 101,” says she’s keeping the baby. (source)

“At church”?  Well, obviously that made a big difference, didn’t it?

People.com then had a statement from Nickelodeon stating their panic joy at this news:

“We respect Jamie Lynn’s decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn’s well being.”

Yeah, her show’s done.  Advertisers just LOVE a teen mom fronting a kid’s show.  Nickelodeon will be lucky if they don’t get people picketing to pull the show completely off the air.

Also from OK! Magazine:

“I was in complete and total shock and so was [Casey].”

Obviously, someone flunked health … and biology … and common sense.

Then there was this little nugget:

“I needed to work out what I would do for myself before I let anyone’s opinion affect my decision,” she told the magazine. “Then I told my parents and my friends. I was scared, but I had to do what was right for me.”

Sure.  Why start asking for guidance and advice now?

Of course, this did have some repercussions, such as Lynne Spears’ (the skank’s mom) book on parenting:

“The book is delayed indefinitely. It’s delayed, not cancelled,” says a spokeswoman for Thomas Nelson, which publishes inspirational books and Bibles. (source)

On the flipside we have the 19-year-old statutory rapist father-to-be Casey.  His mother is basically his mouthpiece:

When asked if Casey had anything to say about his girlfriend being preggo, she said, “At this point, Casey doesn’t wish to speak out, but it would be wonderful when the time comes.” When asked about their ages and any negative aspects, she said, “Casey will address all of this when it is time.” (source)

Translation:  “We are beating the living shit out of him as we speak and expect him to join The Peace Corps in a couple of weeks.”

Then again maybe Casey doesn’t have anything to worry about.  See, Jamie told mom on Thanksgiving, yet shortly before Thanksgiving she gave an interview stating she didn’t have a steady boyfriend:

“I kind of just keep my options open,” she said. “I have a bunch of friends that I always hang out with, a bunch of guy friends.”
In the same interview, Jamie Lynn — who said she eventually wants to study at Louisiana State University — added that she had no plans to follow in Britney’s footsteps. (source)

Yeah, she’s on her own brand of insanity.  Meanwhile, Lynne’s hopes to ride a Jamie Lynn “gravy train” (no pun intended) are dashed.  Jamie also plans to raise the child in Louisiana (essentially ending her “career”).

Naturally, the best twist yet was the most recent:  Seems that Mama Spears wanted to make sure she got some out Jamie Lynn’s - uh - “fuck up”.  Try a cool $1 million from OK!:

Just how did the deal go down? Rewind. Sources close to Britney’s family tell TMZ it all started when Britney melted down on an OK! Magazine photoshoot. Britney’s mom, Lynne, read the article (who didn’t?!) and called OK! personally to thank them “for handling it so well.” She stayed in touch with OK!, and called them this week when she learned that news of Jamie’s pregnancy was about to break. Her only requirement? Keep Britney out of it. This is about Jamie Lynn. “She trusted them to do it in a way that would be sympathetic to her daughter,” our source says.

We’re told Jamie and mom did not want money, but OK! has agreed to pay $1 million to the younger Spears for a photo shoot when the child is born. Why so little when others have commanded several million? We’re told it’s because Jamie Lynn is not an international star and it’s not worth it to the mag to pay big bucks for something they can’t sell overseas. (source)

In other words, kid’s barely passed zygote stage and already it’s been pimped out to a magazine.  Heaven forbid, the baby is miscarried.  I’m afraid Lynne will sell the remains on eBay.

…. Yeah - I so fuckin’ went there.

The last (current) word is from…

People.com:   “He took amazing care of Jamie Lynn,” a source close to the family tells PEOPLE. “Anything ever went wrong, he always comforted her. He took care of her.”  (He sure did, ramming that teen taco of hers)

….

Just how fucked up are the Spears?  No, seriously.  We know a good chunk of their family tree is/was bonkers.  Have they yet to discover “the condom”??  Are they THAT backwoods?  If I was Jamie Lynn’s dad (and thank God in Heaven, I’m not); I’d have the apparent father arrested.  Not for misdemeanor rape, but for sheer stupidity.  Then I’d have the mom-brat-to-be arrested as well.  Might as well skip ahead to the future, y’know.  Then once she had the kid, I’d take it away from “Bratney” until she legally changed the baby’s name to “Condom”.

HEY!  The kid’s fucked up already and one of Jacko’s kids is named “Pillow”, a’ight?

You know what?  Better yet, sterlize that whole lot.  Britney, “Bratney”, their dad, their mom, the baby daddy.  All of them.  The madness has to end here.

…

Of course, it’s only just FUCKING beginning.

Ahhh, motherhood. Time in the life when a woman gives off a glow as if beaming from heaven as she nurtures the new life inside of her.

….Aw, fuck that. This is when the guy fucks up and buys his condoms at the 99 cent store. It’s when he realizes that he’s the father because no one else in their right mind would fuck this woman. She blows up like a balloon, eats for 14, wants the perfect baby shower with violins and champagne (never mind that she can’t drink) and reminds you why you never wanted to be in a relationship in the first place.

Which brings me to Jennifer Lopez. Or at least I think it’s her. She might be in a fat suit for a movie. I dunno, I can never tell. All I know is when I see these pics, I’m reminded of Weird Al Yankovic’s “Eat It” video. Also, I feel bad for her kid. I mean, Salma Hayek apparently has enough milk to feed a Third World nation and even Christina Aguilera & Halle Berry are lugging around milk jugs. But, J.Lo? Nope, she’s lucky if she’s got enough to fill one of those little milk cartons I used to get in school. I ALWAYS opened those from the wrong side!!! Shit.

Well, it was inevitable, we now have Xtina’s roast beef on display. Uh - maybe. It’s honestly hard to tell because the shot’s obscured by the tinted window. Also, it looks like she wearing hose, but — AH, HELL — you be the judge and let me know, okay? Okay.

Also, we couldn’t we get to see this BEFORE she got preggers. Damn, now I feel all dirty inside. Blech!

(Pics after the jump)

(more…)

Remember what I said in the previous post about the baby boy explosion coming out? Well, Brook Burke must be psychic and has chosen to balance the scales of Nature as it now been reported by X17 Online that she is now pregnant with her fourth child (her other three children are all girls).

Brooke Burke typically tries to downplay news like this, but we just can’t hold keep it a secret - we can XCLUSIVELY report that Brooke’s the latest Hollywood beauty to find herself in a motherly way! The child will be Burke’s second with David Charvet, following the birth of Heaven Rain back in January.

Okay, Brooke Burke obviously sold her soul to the Devil because this woman bounces back from a pregnancy with a body that could put most strippers to shame. Also, David Charvet (whoever the hell he is) must have been on top of her the night after she gave birth. Heel, boy, heel! (more…)

X17 Online is now reporting that Christina Aguilera is buying boy clothes. Great. First Britney Spears Swamp Thing has two boys now Christina is having a boy as well. Shit - next generation is gonna be nothing but more fucking boy bands. DAMMIT!

(Yes, I know what it looks like that coming out of her mouth - it may just be gum; but it’ll do in a pinch. I’ll be right back! )