CelebrityFIST!

I’ve long decided that family - in general - is not where you really need to be raised with. Why? Well, most families are an accumulation of various psychoses and neuroses that have been taught and bred from one generation to the next. Ever wonder why the next generation is more fucked up than the last? Well, there you go.

But rather that go off the deep end pondering that mental turd; let’s look at a random example … say, the Hogans here. Now, daddy Hulk is washed-up former wrestler, momma Linda is a golddigger trophy wife typical wife, daughter Brooke is budding porn star cumbucket pop star, and son Nick is a giant fuck-up.

Back in August, fuck-up Nick was charged with felony reckless driving after a crash leaves a friend in a coma, and after Nick was pulled over four times for speeding. So of course, the rest of the family has noted that they are TOTALLY against street racing and don’t condone it.

Welllllllllll, it’s too bad they didn’t say that a couple of years ago. Seems, those relentless investigators at ABC-TV in Tampa uncovered a video entitled “Vehicular Lunatics” in which both Linda and Brooke are racing these guys in their Mercedes S600:

At one point, Linda Bollea (Hogan) is seen alongside another car. Linda Bollea is driving a car identified as a Mercedes S600. Her daughter, Brooke is her passenger. Brooke says to the men in the adjacent car, “Wanna race?” One of the men replies, “Yeah! We love racing you! On three.” Brooke replies, “Let’s do this. Alright.” Then Linda Bollea says “Let’s kick it.”

The cars take off, but their speeds are not known.

Nick Bollea and his father Terry Jean, better known from his wrestling days as Hulk Hogan, are also seen in the documentary.

At one point in the documentary, his mother was asked how she feels about street racing. Her answer: “Oh, I love it. I love it. The rush, the speed on the road, stereo blasting, heart-pounding, racing in between all the cars, dodging the cops. It’s awesome.”

Nice to see that the family that races together, stays together. Right?

Can someone please tell me where what planet these fucking celebs live on because I wanna go there. Let me just pack my bags (of coke) and I’ll be ready…

Mike Tyson was given a whopping one day of jail time for cocaine possession and driving under the influence. Associated Press wasted space by noting:

“I take responsibility for my actions,” Tyson told the judge. He left the courthouse flanked by supporters, lit a cigar and drove away in the back of a black Mercedes.

The 41-year-old boxer will serve his day in jail Tuesday for DUI. He received three years of probation for the cocaine charge and also will have to pay a fine, submit to drug testing and serve 360 hours of community service.

“Lit a cigar”? Was this before or after the judge swallowed his sperm? I’m not joking:

Prosecutors had argued that Tyson should be behind bars, given his violent criminal past. But Superior Court Judge Helene Abrams was impressed with how the boxer has tried to atone following his Dec. 29 arrest in which his car almost hit a sheriff’s deputy’s vehicle.

“You worked to address your addiction and self-destructive behavior,” Abrams said before sentencing him.

Prosecutor Shane Krauser recommended one year in prison, although the maximum was four years, three months. Krausner said Tyson was a multiple offender who previously had been convicted of a violent crime and that only now has he sought treatment for his drug addiction.

At least the prosecutor realized the severity of Tyson’s actions. And before anyone starts with this bullshit that “he was programmed to be a fighter” or “society made him this way” remember that this motherfucker had money coming out of his ass at one point and nobody was feeling sorry for him THEN. Come to think of it, if you tried to go near him then; he’d probably just beat the living shit out you and then rape you.

Kinda like he did here.

Poor Bill Nye, he knows alot about science but obviously what he doesn’t know about women CAN kill him! In particular, his ex-fiancee/wife (depending on who you ask) Blair Tindall might. Seems The Science Guy had to get a restraining order after she tried to poison his produce plants (and maybe even him!). According to People.com:

Nye sought the order Sept. 4 in a Los Angeles court seeking to keep Blair Tindal, 47, away from his Studio City home and forbid her from contacting him.

On Sept. 3 at 11:30 p.m., Tindal, who was dressed in black, “emerged from my backyard … carrying two plastic bottles filled with some sort of solvent. Apparently she was trying to poison my plants including some vegetable(s),” say the documents. “She fled on foot and then a car sped away from the scene.”

TMZ got her response:

Tindall responded to the order by describing the midnight bad vegetables incident as a “foolish, sophomoric act of poor judgment” brought on by a series of personal and family problems. She also strongly denied being a threat to Nye, and accuses him of “emotional cruelty.”

What alot people have left out is that she apparently is a noted oboist and writer, even earning a Grammy nod. You can find her website here. (Unless you’re a BIG fan of classical or jazz, I wouldn’t bother)
I’m guessing she’s not cooking the turkey for him this Thanksgiving…

…but that shit doesn’t interest me enough okay?

Aren’t blondes - uh - great?
Lindsay spent 84 minutes for a cocaine charge - WTF?!! 

I wanna fuck love Lindsay to death, but I don’t see why she gets to spend a whopping hour and a half for a DUI and a cocaine rap.  Granted, she and her mom probably blew half of the LA County Court System still I say give all the other ladies that chance, too.  Especially the prostitutes, they’re real good at that!

I didn’t write up on this cuz: this was all over the damn web - why be like everyone else?

Britney can’t drive with her kids in the car

Well like this is a fucking surprise.  The woman is utterly in capable of the most basic tasks.  She could fuck up a bowl of cereal.  Her driving with kids in the car is the equivalent of asking me to teach high school health in an all-girls school — its only a matter of time.  Really, just give the kids to Jennifer Aniston; at least she’ll have someone to talk to.

I didn’t write up on this cuz: not only was this everywhere but Britney fucking up is like the sun rising, dig?
Kanye West’s mother died on the table

Yeah, that sucks and I feel for anyone’s loss. … That said, I don’t know why this was plastered all over the web.  She died getting plastic surgery.  What sucks is that most of these doctors are plastic surgeons because REAL medicine was too hard for them.  Seriously.

I didn’t write up on this cuz:  like anybody really wants to hear about this depressing stuff on my blog.

I really hate doing this; but dammit, bitch gotta go….

Britney Spears Swamp Thing apparently does live in a parallel world where she doesn’t have to obey anyone’s rules! TMZ managed to scarf up this clip of her running a red light….

….with the kids in the car….

….and the court-appointed monitor…

Christ, a convicted child-molester would probably be a more fit parent than Britney at this point. If someone told me a year ago that Kevin Federline was the more responsible of the two I would have laughed. Well, I’m not laughing now. GET THE KIDS OUTTA THERE!

I swear, the things some people bitch about…

Apparently, there’s a “controversy” (and I use the term loosely - pun intended) over Olga Kurylenko’s genitals being viewable on the Hitman poster. She’s in this movie about a video game (wait! I’m getting to the good part) and the poster is now making the rounds on the Internet. SO - of course, someone has to bitch about it. Like this person here. If anything there isn’t enough nudity on the posters. Shit, most of the movies are crap anyway - just make a badass poster and sell that instead. They’d make more money and we’d get something to masturbate to put on the wall.

(click on poster for full size view and below for a “more detailed” view of the area in question.

Oh, and they wanna bitch about Ms. Kurylenko showing off her body? Here’s a reason to fap bitch about - after the jump.
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