CelebrityFIST!

Yeah, normally, I wouldn’t put these pics up even if you put a gun to my head.  However, is an effort to keep an “open mind” (or “fractured mind” once looking at this pictures)  I decided to post them with a big DNW alert.

What could possibly be so offensive?  Easy.  Pink.  Performing at the Grammys.  In a … well … a see-thru leotard with white straps around it.  Performing what I can only assume is a Cirque De Soliel-inspired set.  I’d hunt the video but I’m afraid my testicles will permanently retract (as it is now; I’m speaking three octaves higher than normal).

So *ugh* without further ado.  Enjoy?  (Remember you WERE warned) (more…)

On one hand, feel bad for Jennifer Love Hewitt.  See, she had this hot body, never showed it off now its slowly going to shit.  She can’t keep a boyfriend to save her life (so much so that her latest beau Jaime Kennedy - poseur extraordinaire & L-lister - seems to want out).  Plus she hasn’t given me a blowjob, so she doesn’t know what she’s missing.

(No really, how many chubby Mexican men could she have possibly blown so far?  I’m sure less than 10.)

Whatever, obviously she has ‘methods’ of trying to make herself feel better.  One way apparently is to glue rhinestones around her vagina.    Mmm.  No.

Actress JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT regularly gives her genitals a sparkly makeover - by decorating her “precious lady” with expensive crystals.
The Ghost Whisperer star first experienced the wonder of the vaginal glitter when a friend offered to add a dash of bling to cheer her up after a love split - and now she regularly adds a sparkle before going out to attend events, parties and launches.
She explains, “It’s called ‘vajazzling’. After a break-up, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady and it shined (sic) like a disco ball… Women should ‘vajazzle’ their vajay-jays (vagina).”
Hewitt confessed she was wearing the bling during her appearance on chat show (George) Lopez Tonight on Tuesday: “I am currently vajazzled… It’s cute.”
Asked if boyfriend Jamie Kennedy likes her sparkled vagina on the TV show, the actress quipped, “I’ve had no complaints.”

So … this means I have to put metal studs on my dick in order to feel better about myself??  Uh-huh.  WRONG.  Shit, she sounds more fucked up than Jennifer Aniston (and that’s a serious level of fucked up there).  And as far as Kennedy not complaining - any woman insane enough to stud her vagina is more than happy to chop up your dick and serve it as a sloppy joe.  I’m just saying.

Well for the last two days I’ve been enjoying my new HDTV (and my first one too - I’ve joined the 21st Century!!) so sorry about that.  Did you know that they make TV’s bigger than 20″ screens??  I didn’t!  Okay I did - its just that I am what you would call a cheap ass when it comes to electronics.  Oh sure I’ll spend dough trying to get into some chick’s pants (or trying to get her to do the reverse) but electronics?  Nah, not really.  That’s why I’m on my third laptop in 8 years.

…though that could be from all the terabytes of downloading…

I have a saying “Q&D” which is “quick and dirty”.  Just get me something that will get me from ‘need’ to ’satisfaction’.  So why the splurge?  Well, a relative called me out on my cheapness since we spend Xmas at my house and its in front of the previous dinky television.  Granted its still only a ‘medium’ TV (36″) but its the largest that fits in my video center so.

And speaking of “quick and dirty” (see there was a point to all that  ) here’s Lady Gaga enjoying her balcony.  Unfortunately, she’s making us enjoy it with her in a see thru shirt.  Now mind you, she’s 23 (purportedly) - those boobs look far more … mature than her age.  Keep them sagging, Gags!!

Okay, I conceded once before that Amber Rose (Kanye West’s on-again, off-again) looked hot.  Mind you she was wearing jeans that may as well been sprayed on and stilletos that defied gravity.  Of course, she’s made that common misconception that just because she looked sexy in something; she looks sexy in ANYTHING (I call it “Megan Fox syndrome, type II“)

So she shows up at Elle Women in Hollywood Tribute.  Ick.  Maybe its the dress, maybe its the fact that her tattoo is showing.

Or maybe its the simple fact she bald as hell and the lights are reflecting off her head like a goddamn cueball.

She reminds of a Barbie doll my sister had.  Beat up and worn out, my sister pulled out all of its hair to see how it was stuck on there.

No punchline needed.

NOTE - We now return to your snarking enjoyment

You gotta love the Net.  You find the weirdest shit sometimes.

Take for example these alleged pictures of Eva Longoria from Citizen K Magazine; which is apparently Russian.  I say ‘alleged’ because they don’t thing one like her but are indeed her.  While I’m guessing she’s trying to channel Louise Brooks she looks more cartoony than anything else.

Of course, maybe its supposed to be Franklin Roosevelt (judging from the last pic). 

He really loves those pajamas he got for Xmas last year…

Wanna hear about Scott Weiland and the seizure he had?  Too bad (toss papers).  Nah, he’s okay but they had to divert the plane he was on.  Hopefully he’s doing ok. (For the record, Weiland is - by rule - the only celeb I can’t snark on.  Why is for me to know.  )

How about we talk about Jennifer Lopez, her ass, … and her buttocks. 

Sweet Jesus on a Jesus cracker what the FUCK is Marc “Skeletor” Anthony wearing.??? At the US Capitol, no less!?    Never mind the fact that J.Lo., the hasbeen singer, has as much reason to be there as J.Lo., my cat (no really - I named her that.  I have issues.).  Good Loki, all he’s missing is a bike helmet.

(shakes head, pops beer 4 open)

I can only assume she dresses him under this deranged notion that if he dresses remotely fashionable someone might snatch ’studmuffin’ up.  She has noooooo worries.  Worse is that she LET’S him dress like that on his own meaning:

1. she doesn’t give a shit about him, or…
2. her fashion sense (what little she allegedly had) went out the window

Either way, this CAN’T be good.

…

On the plus side, her ass still looks highly sperm-worthy. 

No, no, no.  Not like the other websites.  This is CELEBRITYFIST! after all.  Nah, the question is:

Who would you rather take a bat to?

Granted, Lady Gaga would be the natural choice because she’s obnoxious, faux-British, and … well, she’s wearing a shitload of ‘dead’ Kermits (try explaining THAT to a kid!).

BUT - even though Katy Perry is kinda hot, that only lasts till she opens her mouth.  She too is also obnoxious and thinks she oh-so-puckish.  And I think she sees Strawberry Shortcake was a whore.  Plus even Matt Lauer doesn’t give her much respect.  That’s the equivalent of K-Fed giving you half a chicken because you look pathetic.

So - who shall it be people?  There are no winners (save for Mankind).

Her bellybutton looks like a third eye.  KILL IT!  KILL IT!
So how do we follow up the impending personal armageddon I’ve got?  With Lisa Rinna of course! (more…)