Before (left) and After a career in Stripping.

Da-amn!  What the fuck happened to Nikki Cox??  I thought Claire Danes was off but Nikki Cox is … well, “woofers”.  She looks like she got an allergic reaction to something and her face just swelled up and is not collapsing like a quasar.  I don’t even want to talk about those poor tits.  Good God woman!  Wha’ happened?

Before, I would just dream of having sex with Nikki.  Now, it looks like if I show up during the morning shift at the strip club (during breakfast hour), I could get a blowjob with my eggs and hash browns.  Dems the “breakfast of (pimp) champions”!

Well, Claire Danes is engaged to her British boyfriend Hugh Dancy and …

Claire Danes?  CLAIRE DANES?!  THAT’S NOT FUCKING CLAIRE DANES, THAT’S A ZOMBIE!  LOOK OUT!!!!

…

No, seriously.   That’s not Claire Danes.  Who is this person???  See, THIS is Claire Danes!

…

I know she got some plastic surgery done to her nose (which fucked up her looks in my opinion) but she looks really old in these recent pics.

And who marries a guy named Hugh Dancy???  Man, that’s gayer than “Sedgick Meatflute”.

Gallery from TheSuperficial

Huang’s deal with Lucifer paid off quickly…
…Because this guy is apparently fucking dating this cheerleader.  No.  Really.  I actually hope not.  Really.

Kid needs to be rich.  Or have the best tongue work this side of Gene Simmons.  Or he’s doing ALL of her homework.

…

…

Seriously, I look more like Mel Brooks than Mel Gibson and even I’m hotter than this guy!

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…

I’m going to go microwave my head now.  Be back later.

pics and idea stolen from courtesy of Busted Coverage

Sorry peeples, been busy at my “real” job and it’s basically kicking my ass. I was on a diet for a week but I shot that to hell earlier.

>Sigh<

I need something to cheer me up.

HOARDER DELTA BURKE CHECKS INTO PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL

…that’ll work. From Contactmusic:

Beloved (um, a decade ago!) American TV star DELTA BURKE has checked into a psychiatric hospital in a desperate bid to conquer her obsessive-compulsive disorder and “hoarding” issues. The 51-year-old actress - who is famed for her role in U.S. comedy Designing Women in the late 1980s - admits she feared becoming one of those sad women who die under a pile of collected newspapers and bric-a-brack (too late).

She tells TMZ.com, “I was on so many medications and they just weren’t working and I knew I needed to get my meds worked out. I was on five (different medications). “We were thinking the mania hadn’t been properly diagnosed. “I have severe depression. I knew I had general anxiety and I knew I had problems with obsessive compulsion and the hoarding, which I really want to work on. “Have you seen those shows where they don’t find the body for days? And they go in to clean up, and it’s stacks of newspapers up to the ceiling? That’s hoarding, and I hate it.”

Oh God, where do I start?

First of all, we all knew she had a hoarding problem … she’s been hoarding food in those jowls for several years now. It’s a mouth, Delta, not a food bank.

Second, she’s afraid they couldn’t find her body for days underneath stacks of newspaper?? Be hard to miss her unless she’s buried under the New York Public Library. Besides the smell of rotting pork would be easy for the dogs to spot anyway.

…

What? I’m a little frustrated, okay?

INSTA-UPDATE: Her hubby/cook/keeper sez she’s NOT in the loony bin but is in a clinic to adjust her medication. So instead of 3 handfuls of pills maybe she only takes 2. Good for her!

I’m not gonna lie - I’ve never been into Jenna Jameson (pun intended).  I’ve always preferred the “classic stars” like Nina Hartley or even more current ones like Asia Carrera and Tera Patrick.  However, most of the current lot is indistinguishable from each other - looking nearly identical to one another.  That may be the only explanation why Jenna looks like one of those “Real Dolls” you see on the Internet going for a few grand:  almost life-like.  Well, Jenna looks almost life-like and yet she can’t seem to pull it off.  If I saw her and she started talking to me, I’d probably feel like Andrew McCarthy in “Mannequin”.  Shit, then I’d have to listen to atrocious Jefferson Starship song.

…. Hmmm, I think I prefer my hand over her at this point.  At least I know my hand is real.

We here at Chaoz Central go to great lengths to find something wrong with today’s celebs. Of course, that’s usually only a blog away. In this case, you could probably see what’s wrong from the moon.

Somebody has REALLY fucked up Joan Van Ark’s face. I mean, it’s like whoever went to town with Tara Reid’s tits got another chance by carving up Joan’s face like a fucking turkey at Thanksgiving. I saw these pics and I seriously thought they were fake. I mean they HAD to be! Who would pay money to get their face that fucked up! Lord, I think Stevie Wonder could’ve done a better job.

OR as the Daily Mail put it:

Van Ark, 64, was seen at a benefit in Hollywood wearing a sober suit, and mask-like make-up which failed to hide the fact that she has appeared to have been under the surgeon’s knife. Several times.

The actress’ shocking appearance was not aided by her painted on eyebrows and heavy eye make-up which failed to conceal her blotchy skin.

And bizarrely she appeared to have forgotten to add lipstick to her highly-plumped lips – which had the effect of making her look cadaverous.

Of course, the kicker is that she’s just filmed a guest shot on Nip/Tuck. No, I’m not joking & no, not as a corpse.

I spared you all the disasterous shocks because: 1) most of you have seen them anyway & 2) why lose your lunch again?

I highly recommend the last picture - which can be used to scare young children.

Um, Avril? Gee. How do I put this gently? Errrr…

No, Avril. Not close. Not even in the same ballpark. Hell, you’re barely playing the same sport!

Everyone, how about it?

Fur coat and sweatpants - tres chic!
Why look kids!  It’s everyone’s favorite botched-titted actress:  Tara Reid!

Ooh, she doesn’t look too good kiddies.  It’s really a damn shame she spent whatever money she made on fucked up boobs from a doctor who obviously looked at porn videos for “study”.  Worse still, according to Wiki she’s 32.  Thirty-two?  I know women who are 32 and are coked up strippers with 3 kids and they’re STILL looking better than she does here!

Y’know, even if she put out a sex tape, nobody would want to see her fucked up nipples moving in two separate directions and she’d probably have that glassy-eyed look from too much coke and vodka.

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Okay, maybe I’d look at.  But I have an excuse - I’m a freak.

You know, I remember when Christina Ricci was hot.  I used to masturbate daydream about her all the time for awhile.

Now?  All i want to say is “What the FUCK happened?”

First she was a big boobed fuck toy now she looks like one of those women in Africa that wears those coils to lengthen her neck.  Now, I like deep throat as much as the next guy; but, shit, in that case might as well get a giraffe to do it.  And where did her tits go?  Did that same thief who stole Jewel’s breasts steal hers, too?

Then there’s that whole “head on a swivel” she’s got going on.  She looks like E.T. when his neck cranes out.  Yaaah!  Feed her Ricci Pieces before she attacks!!