CelebrityFIST!

I have no idea whats going with those legs.  BLECH!

Alright first, Olivia Munn does a non-nude shoot for Playboy (and STILL gets the cover), then Heidi Spencer-Splat does the same (which is due to bore newstands soon).  Also, in the geriatric department, Lisa Rinna gets the Photoshop overload (and still looks wretched) and Hef actually thinks (75 year-old!) Shirley Jones needs to take more clothes off!? 

So how can it get any worse, right?

Jenna Jameson has posed for Playboy magazine just four months after giving birth to twins.

WAIT!  THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!!

The retired adult film star showed off her super-slim post-pregnancy body at a provocative photo shoot for the racy magazine last week. (ContactMusic)

Wonderful.  They’re gonna burn out a computer just erasing that Mothra-like growth that is her vagina.  Shit.  You know, at this point; they should just call it a day.  If you tout a former porn star hanging vag in your “gentleman’s mag” - um, you have problems.

Her bellybutton looks like a third eye.  KILL IT!  KILL IT!
So how do we follow up the impending personal armageddon I’ve got?  With Lisa Rinna of course! (more…)

Well this would normally be about Kate Moss and her latest antics.  But she hasn’t done shit.

Her nipples on the other hand (more…)

This poor soul is Mark-Paul Gosselaar.  Once upon a time 2000 years ago (aka: 1980s), he was this teen hearthrob on this show called Saved By The Bell.  Never watched it but I knew of it because of the chicks on the show.  Well, here he is playing his TV character on the Jimmy Fallon show.

Seriously how bad does your life have to suck to promote something your gonna be on by pretending to be a character you were 20 years ago?  Worse still, you do it on Jimmy Fallon’s POS?  Its funny if you watch the whole clip because you can simply see Fallon is almost hoping the bit works and as he knows it isn’t doesn’t know ANY WAY of saving it.  The audience eventually gets bored with it but try to play along for the benefit of television.

All I know is that if I was this Gosselaar guy I would fire my agent (which I doubt he has anyway) and simply go back to the local Walmart automotive department.

Took 45 shots to make sure she was pointing the camera right…

It is amazing how someone as untalented as Mischa Barton manages to stay even in the gossip cycle.  Of course, in this case its because she pissed off the world’s Hindus.  No small feat.

Actress MISCHA BARTON has upset Hindu leaders by complaining about her efforts to find a sitar teacher in India in a blog posting.
The former The O.C. star was recently in India shooting Bhopal: A Prayer for Rain.
In between filming, Barton had hoped to visit Hindu temples and learn to play the sitar, but when her efforts to find a music teacher failed, she complained to fans and friends on her MySpace.com.
She wrote,

“I must say my goal coming here was to learn to play the sitar and it’s coming along real slow as apparently it’s not that easy to procure a great sitar teacher here. I guess it’s not late 60s (sic) with Ravi Shankar and George Harrison roaming around.”

Her comments have enraged leading scholars, who insist Barton is being immature if she thinks sitar teachers sit on street corners and advertise tutorials on streetlamps. (ContactMusic)

Perhaps for her next post, she can insult the Chinese about not finding good egg rolls and maybe the Russians because she wanted to see the guys with the furry hats kick-dancing and spinning.

It’ll be like a united world … beating the shit out Barton.  Ah, one can dream.

Here’s some pics of her from Genelux (Spring 09) which capture the natural look of Mischa - VACANT.

She looks almost lifelike!!

Well, Cameron Diaz has a photospread in June’s Vogue.  Well, in this case; ‘photospread’ means ’someone took pictures of Cameron and then touched them up to within an itch of their laptop’s life’.  However, on the plus side they did do a good job because she still looks human and not CGI.  Still you can tell where some heavy work was done (e.g.: the torso pic with her in the hat; her face shows at least 4 points of alteration).

In reality, I can’t knock Cameron too much since she sucked a shitload of cock to get where she’s at (or at least been), so far be it for me to diss a cocksucker.  At least she knows what she’s good at. 

Well it all started with this blind item (boldface mine):

CDAN - This former A list always movie actress still considers herself A list even though in reality she is about D. She does have A list name recognition and was the star of one of the most famous movies of all time. Not highest grossing, just one of the most famous. Anyway, she is not known for her quiet demeanor and when she has a drink or seven can get rather nasty. Recently she got into a fight with her current boy toy and during the argument threw a glass or two or three at her toy. Well, on one of her throws she missed and hit an original Picasso she has hanging on her wall. The painting was shredded by the glass as it shattered as well as the beverage she had inside. Of course she told her insurance company it fell during a mild earthquake and landed on a glass table beneath the painting, shattering the table and damaging the painting. (Blindgossip)

Of course, there were wild guesses UNTIL a reader on the site (by the name “Heywood Jablowme”) put up this little ditty:

It’s Sharon Stone and here’s the poof! Read down about 3/4 of the way.

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/a-night-with-sharon-stone-1328574.html

So, I go read that and lo and behold:

Before he knew it, David was admiring what looked like a Picasso inside a “mock French chateau”. Sharon, barefoot and without make-up, wearing a cut-off black top and silk trousers, greeted him. Several other guests, including Sharon’s current beau, her sister, and Stuart, the celebrity shrink, had already arrived.

“Is that a real one?” David joked, pointing at the Picasso. “It better be,” Sharon shot back. “Or I’ve been screwed.”

Screwed?  Yeah, lets go with that word, eh?

Wow!  Tara Reid is an actress again!  When did that happen?  Last time I heard she was hosting no-name parties for a check.  On the downside…:

Tara Reid is going back to school to reprise her AMERICAN PIE character VICKI LATHUM in the sex comedy franchise’s seventh movie BOOK OF LOVE.
Reid, who is on the comeback trail after spending the beginning of the year in rehab, played Lathum in the first two Pie films.
Original American Pie star Eugene Levy will also be part of the new film, alongside crooner Wayne Newton and U.S. TV favourite Sherman Helmsley from The Jeffersons, according to MovieHole.net. (ContactMusic)

Ok, frankly I don’t know what’s worse:  Tara Reid stuck in the seventh movie of this series or that there’s even been seven movies?!  How the hell do you milk six sequels from American Pie?  I barely got past the first one, really. 

Of course, if you’ve got Sherman Helmsely along for the ride you know you’re scrapping bottom of the barrel.  I like Sherman but the man will appear in anything for a check.  Well, so does Tara Reid; now that I think about it.  Eh.

Here’s some pointless pics - pointless because she hasn’t looked this hot since the turn of the century…

Damn that face. DAMN THOSE LEGS!

I was gonna save these pics for a Goodie, but her legs are COMPELLING me to post about her.  WTF?  I’m the one who decides the content, not her legs!

Oh, my dick is telling me that IT sents the agenda not my brain.  It’s telling me that it wants to crack that ass and then use those legs to teach children how to tell time (see kids, THIS is 10:10) and how it wants those baby blue eyes looking up while…

My dick thinks too much.

She’s gotta butterface in my opinion.  But still…

Just before Jennifer pushes her costars out of the way…
Jennifer Aniston just wants to be loved.  Really is that so hard for the world to understand?  I mean she tries so hard to please the men in her life but they just keep leaving her!  Why? Why?…

BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!  XD

Well gee, maybe this is part of the problem…

The women of ‘He’s Just Not That into You’ talk to Marie Claire about the past, present and future of their love lives — including Jennifer Aniston’s disclosure of keeping ex-husband Brad Pitt’s voice messages.

Aniston, Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin reminisce on what a big deal it once was to run home and check the answering machine.

“I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband [Brad Pitt]. . . It’s like saving love letters,” Aniston said.[ETOnline]

Ohhhh-kay.  So, you like saving the voices of your exes.  Jesus, it’s amazing she doesn’t keep semen swabs of them either from the times she blows them or fucks them.  You can almost see her going over to dusty 20-year old machine and frantically putting a tape in and then going to a tiny wetbar frig and pulls out a little vial of white liquid that says “BRAD LUV” on it.  She draws a glass of red wine and plays the tape over and over again while holding the half frozen vial to her cheek muttering “Mommy loves you, mommy loves you.”

All the time Oscar Meyer (or whatever his name is) looks on in complete shock.

By the way, Jennifer Connelly is in this movie too but she’s NOWHERE to be found on the cover or in the magazine (apparently).  Why?  Ask Aniston…

Jennifer Aniston has reportedly banned her He’s Just Not That Into You co-star Jennifer Connelly from being photographed with her on an upcoming cover of Marie Claire Magazine. Aniston agreed to appear next to co-stars Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, but refused to be shot next to the other Jennifer.

“Connelly… will not be included in an upcoming cover shoot for Marie Claire magazine that will feature Aniston… and her other co-stars from the October comedy, Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin,” Life & Style Magazine reports. “There was no camaraderie between those two whatsoever. They didn’t seem like friends in the slightest….It was all about getting Jennifer Aniston front and center and looking as sexy as possible….Word is, Aniston threatened to pull out if Jennifer was part of the cover,” a set insider says. [PopCrunch]

We here at CelebrityFist have decided that Jennifer A. really needs the Fist.  In the ass.  Without lube.  Up to the elbow.

Friends was 10,000 years ago, sweetie.  Get over it.  All of it.