CelebrityFIST!

Adriana Lima is pregnant (Celebslam) - she’s been married 3 months and she’s 3 months pregnant.  Dammit, no wonder she didn’t have sex before marriage - she’s a fertile fucking Mrytle! 

Lady Gaga covers Rolling Stone and is now bi - surprise!  (SocialiteLife) - great now she be sexually unappealing to two genders.

Micheal Lohan (Lindsay’s deadbeat dad) has some ’splaining to do (TheSuperficial) - dumbass threaten to kill his girlfriend when she tried to leave him.  Gee, why would she ever want to leave you dude?

Candice Swanepoel topless pics (Egotastic!) - she’s booooooobilicious!

Avril Lavigne almost pulls off the bikini bod  (NewsToob) - the problem?  Annoying, obnoxious idiots don’t look good in bikinis.  Sorry, but thanks for playing!

Lindsay Lohan in some leggings (DrunkenStepfather) - and I would STILL do her.

Dr. Dre is the new face of Dr. Pepper (ContactMusic) - and you know Eminem is gonna push those damn candies soon as well.

Rose McGowan may burst into flames in direct sunlight (HollywoodTuna) - I know pale is in but did Marilyn Manson give her some sorta albino virus or something??

Ah, remember the fond days of yesteryear (last year) when Britney was going nutzoid and now she’s (semi-)coherent.  We were all terrified as to who would “step down” into the filth.  Well, “Leave It To Lindsay” Lohan to fill-in the void (pun unintended).  Apparently, not only is she back together with her lover Samantha Ronson, but she’s also possibly gonna convert and tie the knot (and no, not the one that they use with the bedsheets).

LINDSAY LOHAN is planning to convert to Judaism so she can marry on/off girlfriend SAMANTHA RONSON, according to a new U.S. tabloid report.
The high profile pair split in March (09) after a bust-up at a Hollywood hotel - but sources claim they have reunited in secret, and Lohan has even proposed.
An insider tells the National Enquirer the wedding talk angered Ronson’s Jewish family - so Catholic Lohan has offered to convert.
The source tells the tabloid, “Lindsay says Sam’s promised she’ll persuade her family to accept this, and they won’t wait to see if California changes their gay marriage legislation, but will travel to one of the states where it is legal to say their I do’s.” (ContactMusic)

I have to give credit to Lohan for at least being a sustained nutzoid.  Unlike, Britney who crashed and burned out pretty quickly (hair shaving, umbrella attacking, locked-up); Lindsay is able to drag out her neuroses and still able to take collateral damage (be it someone’s car, window, heart, etc.).  That’s the advantage of youth I suppose.  Nowadays, I’m lucky to sustain a 1-day binge, a couple of strippers, and a big Visa bill.

Now that I think about it - um… whatever happened to the RESTRAINING ORDER?  Amazing how minds can change after a “box lunch”, eh?
Here are pics of Lindsay’s Matt Jones photoshoot (I know, some dupes from previous posts but thought it was time to actually post the shoot in its entirety) - it was either this or a nasty looking Lindsay in torn jeans, ok?

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Luck be a lady tonight…
Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen:  The Game (PopSugar).  I scored 37 out of 50.  Which means two things:  1) I actually viewed 50 pictures of the Olsen twins and thought about which one they were, and 2)  I got most of them right which probably means I had a lobotomy once.  Dammit!

Maxim’s Top 100 is out and … who cares right?  (GoneHollywood) - #100-#51 and #50-#1

Kim Kardashian gets called a fattie on TV (DrunkenStepfather)

Nick Cannon (aka Mr. Mariah Carey) can’t take a fucking joke (TheSuperficial)

Sean Penn is STILL banging Natalie Portman  (Celebslam) … OR IS HE?  (ContactMusic)

Danielle Lloyd goes topless in Nuts (HollywoodTuna) - or nuts for being topless…

Lastly, Lindsay Lohan’s apartment was NOT broken into (WWTDD) - or wait IT WAS! (TheSuperficial)

Our amateur?  Well actually pro-am:  Foxy Jacky looking nice in The Venetian (Las Vegas)

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Quite possibly the most f’d up person on the planet.

Things just seem to be going from bad to worse for Lindsay Lohan – the actress is reportedly pregnant.

The Mean Girls star has alledgly slept with a number of men following her split from girlfriend Samantha Ronson, and apparently doesn’t know who the child’s father is.

“I swear she’s carrying,” a source said. “She’s going through big emotional turmoil.  She’s not sure if she’ll have it or go through with an abortion that she booked to have in the next few days.

“Saddest part is she has no idea who the father is.  She must have slept with more than two dozen men in the past couple of months.”  (ShowbizSpy)

First of all, I know it ain’t mine (whoo!).  Second; two dozen men in two months??  Holy fuck, man.  What is she a drive-thru?  All she needs is a menu on her back and she’s ready for business. 

Of course, what is she gonna do now that she has a kid on the way?  Well, this blind item showed up today:

This film and television girl was devastated after her breakup. She got loaded every night and got a little crazy with more than one member of the opposite sex. Discovering she was pregnant, she went looking for solace and guidance. She confessed to one of her parents, who suggested she make money from the situation by turning the pregnancy and birth into a reality show.  Then she went crying to her ex. The ex isn’t playing. So she is not going to have the baby. A procedure is scheduled. (BlindGossip)

Wow.  Just, wow.

If all this is true (and it IS still an ‘if’) then the poor zygote never had a chance between all the liquor, drugs from mom-to-be and the “let’s turn this into a moneymaker” from grandma-to-be.

Wow.

Even I can look hotter than this (and that’s saying something)

Man, now if I told you that I have pictures of a 22 and 16 year surfing in their two-piece bikinis that they’d be great pics right?

WRONG.

Man, I still will do Lindsay but WTF is up with Ali’s chest!?  Sweet Mother McCree, her chest looks like Tori Spelling’s!  Though I admit Ali probably weighs more. 

Well, I admit these pics are a disappointment, so if I had see them so should you. You can cuss me out later.

Just spread’em sweetie…
I still wanna do Lindsay Lohan.  No, really!  This isn’t sarcasm here!  I still do.  I wanna do all sorts of nasty things to her that would leave us either in jail or in the hospital (the latter most likely for me).For example, this chick (who has no money) does what any guy would do when he’s been kicked to the curb.  ROAD TRIP!  Or in this case, plane ride; as she went to sunny, funny Hawaii.  There she did what she does best (besides fucking) - she went everywhere in a bikini or shorts.  Yummy!

Yeah, I know she needs to eat a sandwich … or two … or twenty.  But hey!  She got dumped, everyone goes thru that period where they lose a shit load of weight cuz their depressed.  Though I tend to gain weight myself because I usually will try to drink my own weight in alcohol after a breakup.  Hell, there was this one time I started by drinking mixed drinks with this stripper, then we went to straight liquor and finally to Everclear.  Then we went back to my place and we were so drunk that I could get it up even though she blew me for about 15 minutes finally she started falling asleep with my dick her mouth!!

…

…

But I digress.

Anyway, she looks a little skinny but still doable (to me).  All I need is a bottle of Viagra, a case of vodka and a twelve pack of Dos Equis (for myself) and its PARTY TIME!!

Warning - no dirty pictures but a SHITLOAD of bikini pics after the jump. (more…)

 I am in LOVE!!
Okay, this is so not the post I started with when writing about Linds today.  Yeah, its mainly about her Funny or Die eHarmony parody.  However, after viewing it for the 14th time(!).  I realized that she’s a ChaozBabe.  Why?

Well, first of all … she creates chaos.  I mean c’mon!  This girl makes a hurricane look like a spring breeze!  And lets face it she’s got more Chaos that the previous 10 babes combined!!  She’s got weight flucuations, a hair-trigger temper, melodramatic, alcoholic, a cutter,  wrecks vehicles, throws objects, drug abuser.  Plus her family is as dysfunctional as she is!  She’s the chick that’s got it all!!

And for the babe part.  Well, she’s redhead, has freckles, and has that nice husky (cigarrette-fueled) voice and face it - puts out on a regular basis.  What’s there not to like!

Plus she has a sense of humor about her recent insanity.  I love sense of humor in a woman.

Did I mention I LOVE redheads?  Oh.  Just checking to make sure.

So, like it or not - Lindsay is ChaozBabe #11.  BTW, YES, I would sign up on eHarmony if that profile were real.  Fuck, I’d take a chance!!!

(some naughty pictures ahead) (more…)

In … happier times?

Concerned members of Samantha Ronson’s family are reportedly planning to obtain a restraining order against the DJ’s ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan following the couple’s split.

Of course, the meat and potatoes is this starting from Charlotte Ronson (Sam’s twin):

“She does these things to get attention. She was trying to get into my party this weekend. We had to tell security to keep her out. Then she booked a room at the Chateau Marmont. Her room was right below… She also followed our brother Mark around.”
[Sam’s mom Ann] Dexter-Jones added: “(Lindsay) was doing drugs. And we could not sleep that night at the Chateau. She was complaining about the music and noise coming from upstairs. She was trying to get attention, so that Sam could come down.”
Cops reportedly advised the women to file a petition for a restraining order at a courthouse in Santa Monica, California.
A spokesperson confirms to UsWeekly.com, “They were directed to the court to get a restraining order.” (ContactMusic)

As expected Lindsay is “devastated” - then again she’s devastated if her drink has too many ice cubes, so go figure.

Fortunately, there’s someone is has open arms just waiting for support Lindsay…  HER FATHER!?

Lindsay Lohan’s worried dad has cleared his schedule in the hope his estranged daughter will call for him as she struggles to cope with the break-up of her romance with DJ Samantha Ronson.  Never a fan of Ronson, Michael Lohan says, “Break-ups are never pretty and they’re never easy. I’m here for Lindsay any time. I’ve cleared my schedule to go meet her in L.A.”
In the meantime, Lohan can only hope that his ex-wife Dina takes good care of the Mean Girls star.
He tells U.S. news show Extra, “At a time like this, [Lindsay] needs someone standing by her side. It’s about time she had both parents with her, without Dina driving a wedge between us. It’s time for Lindsay to resurrect her life and career.”
In an E! News exclusive on Monday, Lindsay Lohan revealed, “We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself.” (ContactMusic)

Of course, nothing like family to help you recover….

Unless of course, its a family so dysfunctional even Caligula would say this family needs therapy.  And it’s good to know that Daddy wants Lindsay to start making money her career again.

Meltdown In 3…2…

come to chaoz … come to chaoz …

In a move that should come as absolutely no surprise except maybe to Lindsay Lohan herself; Samantha Ronson, her lesbian lover, has kicked her ass to the curb.  Given walking papers.  Given the pink slip (pun INTENDED  )!

Apparently, Samantha planned this out as she had a party at her house and specifically did not want Lindsay there:

There was major drama in L.A. late Friday night at Bar Marmont, where Sam was DJ-ing at a party for her fashion designer sister, Charlotte Ronson’s I Heart Ronson clothing line for JCPenney. It all started when Lindsay tried to get into the party, only to be held back at the door by five bouncers! (OK! Magazine)

Then on Saturday there was apparently a big fight between the two and then later in the day, TMZ has pics of someone changing the locks on Samantha’s house.  Samantha has apparently had a enough of Lindsay antics.  Maybe the final straw was Lindsay crashing Lily Allen’s concert and looking like an ass in the process…

Linds shows up at about 3:30 in.

Or it could have something to do with the $115,000 Maserati she ‘borrowed’ from a porn director…

Or the fact that Lindsay was spending all of Samantha’s money…

You get the idea.

Lindsay’s spin was made on E!Online:

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have split _ for now. Lohan says that she and the 31-year-old Ronson, who announced they were a couple in September, are “taking a brief break so I can focus on myself.” (Huffington Post)

Of the most hilarious part of that is her “focus on myself” quote.  Lindsay may be the one of the most dysfunctional and self-centered celebutards in Hollywood - which is REALLY saying something at this point.  And that’s from someone who (still) wants to jump her bones!! 

So, 22-year old, female, single, and potentially desperate.

:::sprays Binaca:::

Call me Linds! 

Our (ok, MY) gal Lindsay Lohan is back - sorta.  Seems she’s finally figured out she has hadn’t a real job (as in acting) since 2007.  She tells US Weekly about the horrible state that puts her in:

Lindsay Lohan — who hasn’t appeared in a movie since 2007’s I Know Who Killed Me — says she’s looking for a job.

“It’s scary when you realize, ‘Oh my God, I’m not working. And I have a house to pay for now.’… and there’s been some things I’ve really wanted to do,” she says in April’s Nylon.

…like snort some coke, get drunk, eat cock…

“Like the one movie I’ve wanted to do for so long is Alice in Wonderland [directed by Tim Burton],” she continues. “But, um, that didn’t work out… it is what it is.”

…well, should could’ve played the Dodo - she’s good at making her career extinct.

So does she make the logical choice and enter porn?  Nah.  So what does she do instead?  She blogs. 

“I think I just got carried away,” she says. “Like writing about my relationships…I didn’t need to do that, because we [Samantha Ronson] weren’t broken up and that was silly. And then if that happens again, they expect me to say, ‘No,’ again, you know. And I get afraid of that.”

Lohan also takes a dig at Britney Spears, who’s currently touring the country on the back of her No. 1 album, Circus.

“She’s marketed as an entertainer, which is what she is,” Lohan says. “Not necessarily as, like, an artist. And I respect that about her, cause she doesn’t want to pretend.”

That maybe true Lindsay, but she is making SOME cash; which is more you can say for yourself.  Practice this phrase 30 times a day and you’ll get a job.

“You want fries with that?”

Pics from Nylon Magazine