CelebrityFIST!

Life’s a beach…babe.

Keifer Sutherland has some ‘asplaining to do (Celebslam) - oh Keifer you should no better than to even ATTEMPT trouble while on probation.  Take it from someone who knows. 

Famke Janssen rides her a bike, listens to music, AND gives everyone a show!  (RichAndBrainless) - you just gotta love a woman who can multi-task!

Criss Angel is a pussy who will steal your pussy (TheSuperficial) - no no, not your girlfriend.  Your cat. … No.  Really.
Tila Tequila Nguyen might be pregnant (Celebslam) - shit.  And me without my wooden stake, silver bullet, and holy water…

Jessica Alba:  Teekets?  We don’t need no steenking teekets!  (DrunkenStepfather) - and before any lurkers get PC on my ass.  I’m Hispanic - so fuck off.

Kristin Davis gives up on marriage (ContactMusic) - translation:  she’ll put out without discussing long term shit.  SCORE!

L’Oreal whitewashes Freida Pinto for their ads (GoneHollywood) - First Beyonce now Freida…  Now we know why there’s no “United Colors of L’Oreal” - its just one color. 

Today’s set - just a bunch of beach babes!

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Lindsay Lohan leaving Sam Ronson’s house after doing her “carpet” (Popsugar) - eh, she’s beyond fracture anyway.  So what’s the worse that can happen at THIS point, right?

Cameron Diaz brags about getting out of a speeding ticket (ContactMusic) - it’s called a blowjob sweetie and don’t fucking pretend it was your “acting skills”. 

Blind Item - Who’s so desperate for kid, she plans on using a gay friend? (BlindGossip) - oh gee, what’s the name of that actress making the film “The Baster”??

Tara Reid’s mutant cans are at Cannes (TheSuperficial) - uh, unless she’s promoting a film like “Bathroom Whores 14″, she probably could be doing something constructive (like playing in traffic).

The secret of Lisa Rinna’s lips?  Hardened silicone.  No. Really.  (DListed) - worse still is that she actually seems PROUD of that. 

Cindy Crawford’s husband has some ‘asplaining to do (Celebslam) - seriously, dude.  Is fucking Cindy Crawford THAT boring??
Picture set - Dye redhead job likes to play.  Enjoy! (more…)

Mel Gibson got his new girlfriend pregnant (TheSuperficial) - goddamn Mel, you’re only supposed to fuck them not knock them up!!  Idiot probably thinks that every kid he has outside of his ex-wife is one less kid he has to pay child support on.  Dumbass.  Eh, once she milks his cock; she’s gonna milk his wallet anyway, amirite?

Paris Hilton goes swimming … at Cannes (WWTDD) - not only does she have no reason to be at Cannes she has no reason for being in a bikini either.  I’ve seen high school girls with better shapes.  Speaking of which…

Miley Cyrus was at a beach in a bikini (Egotastic!) - … … … well all I can say is …. ‘ ‘

Fergie’s apparently eaten pussy (DListed) - well, this is no surprise as 99.9999999999999% of all strippers have. 

Rachel Weisz refused a nude double in Agora (ContactMusic) - well at least we now have a reason to see that flick!

Katy Perry is officially now on the “Just Show Them” list (HollywoodTuna) - c’mon Katy, you can only hold out so long before we get bored with them.  And we’re bored with them.

Cynthia Nixon is engaged to her girlfriend boyfriend girlfriend I dunno, you tell me okay? (GoneHollywood) - I’m all for lesbians getting married and shit but why do they always get married to chicks that look like dudes????  Is the dick THAT bad for them!? 

Our pics are “courtesy” of a girl named “Nicole” (or at least that what it says here).  I like these type of sets because there’s clothed, naked, AND hardcore pics.   But you can tell these weren’t done all at once.  Nope homeboy collected the photos over the months, probably got dumped and he responded the only way he knew how.  Well his loss is the world’s gain.  Enjoy!  [Big set - x50] (more…)

Luck be a lady tonight…
Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen:  The Game (PopSugar).  I scored 37 out of 50.  Which means two things:  1) I actually viewed 50 pictures of the Olsen twins and thought about which one they were, and 2)  I got most of them right which probably means I had a lobotomy once.  Dammit!

Maxim’s Top 100 is out and … who cares right?  (GoneHollywood) - #100-#51 and #50-#1

Kim Kardashian gets called a fattie on TV (DrunkenStepfather)

Nick Cannon (aka Mr. Mariah Carey) can’t take a fucking joke (TheSuperficial)

Sean Penn is STILL banging Natalie Portman  (Celebslam) … OR IS HE?  (ContactMusic)

Danielle Lloyd goes topless in Nuts (HollywoodTuna) - or nuts for being topless…

Lastly, Lindsay Lohan’s apartment was NOT broken into (WWTDD) - or wait IT WAS! (TheSuperficial)

Our amateur?  Well actually pro-am:  Foxy Jacky looking nice in The Venetian (Las Vegas)

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Rub-a-dub-dub / some tits in a tub…
Megan Fox is bisexual (Egotastic!) - I am T-H-I-S close to calling “Jolie-Lite”.  Woman all you’ve done is say you’re now twice as likely to catch an STD. 

Speaking of Angelina Jolie; is she hurting herself again? (Celebslam) - well let’s face it under veneer is a very psychotic chick.  Have I mentioned I like psychos?
Hayden Panettiere is now banging Steve Jones (TheSuperficial) - he’s 30; so at this rate she’ll start banging dudes my age by …. oh, September.

Ex-Miss Nevada is “irate” over Miss California keeping her title (GoneHollywood) - this is only appealing to me if we can get these two in the Jello Ring of Death.  I happen to have a kids pool, 400 packs of gelatin and water!  … Cuz, “you never know”.

Holly Madison is dating/fucking Russell Brand (WWTDD) - man isn’t she like 60 in model years?  Wow.  Well more power to those seniors!

Blind Item - “The second my d* enters him, he arches his back and he starts singing at the top of his lungs, “Onward Christian Soldier”.    (BlindGossip) - ooooookay.  Actually the weird thing about the quote is the “Onward” part.  Brr.

Mariah Carey ‘going for broke’ on her acting career? (DListed) - well I don’t know about Mimi but the movie trailer looks good.  As someone who knows people on “the other side of the tracks”, I can relate.

And the pic - a set entitled “Brunette shows her perfect bod”.  I didn’t name it - what do you think of this “perfect bod”?

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We’re going for more current stuff on today’s edition - mainly because there’s some really nice pics (IMHO) so this is a Meanwhile/Goodies remix.  Okay?

Padma Lakshmi at some event showing off her nipples and a nice scar(?).  She apparently got the scar in an auto accident when she was a teenager.  Never knew she had the scar; but then again I’m always looking at her tits, so that may be why.

Pic 2 makes it look like she’s sucking in her gut; but I like to think she’s actually got a nice shape that makes you wanna taste her hot curry!  See, she’s Indian and hosts a cooking - aw, fuck it.

Leighton Keester Meester was in a bikini the other day and got alot of attention.  She got mine.  I don’t watch Gossip Girl it could go off the air tomorrow and wouldn’t bat an eye.  However, Leighton and that Blake Lively chick are moving up my “hottie” charts everyday.  Of course the “Alba bikini position” is the topper her.    BTW, I did accidently type “keester” as I was typing this up!

Lydia Hearst shows up topless in GQ (Italy).  This is interesting for two reasons, one - the Hearst family owns Esquire.  Two?  Well, her family’s still filthy rich and she’s probably a good lay since she seems to be showing her tits just about everywhere nowadays.  See, I could get with her and bang her -  at least long enough to pay my bills off (I’m not too greedy).

What?  Hey!  I get ladies who want the same from me!!  Turnabout and fair play and all that, ya know?

TMZ released a bunch of modeling photos of Carrie Prejean - for those playing at home that’s the Miss California that supposedly loss the chance to become Miss America because some idiot judge asked a loaded question about gay marriage.  Anyway, there’s a couple of pics where nips were showing (yawn).  Now this is the biggest cause celebre on both sides of the lunatic (i.e.: political) spectrum because she’s against gay marriage but somehow is being “persecuted”.

Ugh, oh please - its not like the beauty queen may become Vice Presi- oh, wait.  Nevermind.

Lastly but not least - Halle Berry holding hands with some very lucky dude.  All I can say is that even after a kid, I’d still hit it - hard (uh, Halle; not the dude - Unca Chaoz don’t roll like that.  )

ANOTHER thing Denise Richards can’t do worth shit - sing (Celebslam)

Ali Lohan is home-schooled by her mom (ContactMusic) - oh great.  Let’s hope one of the subject she learns is BIRTH CONTROL.

Tila Nguyen stripteases for her new boyfriend Ray J (DrunkenStepfather) - he’s of the Kim Kardashian sextape ‘fame’.  Somehow a sextape with Tila actually sounds boring.

Kelly Ripa manages to make looking ripped kinda icky (Egotastic!) - you know how you’re fingers get wrinkly if you’ve been in the pool too long?  Well that’s what Kelly looks like.  Blech!

Only Boy George could look more hetero AFTER a prison stint (Popeater) - no really he looks like a scout master.  Er, let try that another way…

Shirley Jones posing in Playboy!???? (SocialiteLife) - She’s 75; and no please don’t.  On the other hand, maybe the mag should just merge with AARP and be done with it.

Victoria Beckham still thinks she’s a fashion trendsetter (HollywoodTuna) - nope, that probably no belongs to Miley Cyrus (Heaven help us all).

Chris Brown’s lawyer is trying to get the charges dropped because of the leaked Rihanna photo (TheSuperficial) - can’t blame a shyster for trying.

Lastly - “Amateur Asian on Vacation” - wonder if she wants to go on a trip with me?

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I used to know a girl like this - but then came the court order…

Ok, I’m looking at my bar - plenty of liquor but I’m not a guy who is big on drinking liquor straight up (except tequila).  But I have NO tequila (AGGH!).  What I do have is rum (Sailor Jerry), gin (Tanqueray), vodka (Smirnoff & Grey Goose).

Um to mix, though - Big Red soda (red creme) and grape kool aid.

…

Ok - so Big Red and Grey Goose it is.

Harry Potter and the Chick With A Dick (BestWeekEver) - I don’t this is what they meant by “magic wand”.

Mary Carey helps the homeless (HollywoodTuna) - shit, give him a blowjob; he’d appreciate it more!!

Daisy DeLaHoya didn’t overdose she had “delirium as a result of exhaustion” (TheSuperficial) - First: who?  Second:  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

The dude Keifer Sutherland head-butted suddenly requires surgery (ContactMusic) - more horseshit than a rodeo.

OctoMom’s babytrain may be derailed permanently (RadarOnline) - try not to make the parties too obvious.

BLIND ITEM - Which married actor is hitting his wife AND “hitting up” other actresses??? (BlindGossip) - poor Diane. 

“That reminds me - I must get my watch fixed.” - Groucho Marx

Geri Halliwell launches a birthing campaign (ContactMusic) - no no, not THAT type of birthing - nah, she’s trying to get better healthcare for women who are delivering.  Don’t say I never put anything positive here.    Granted I did this cause I still want a ‘piece of Ginger’. 

Hilary Duff apparently swallowed a helium balloon (HollywoodTuna) - :bullhorn:  PUT THE FORK DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE PLATE!

Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace flashes a nip and manages to look like Brazilian tranny (DrunkenStepfather) - … no … that … I know anything about Brazilian trannies. 

I think she’s gonna die (Celebslam) - two words:  HOSPITAL. NOW.

Hayden Panettiere and Bristol Palin team up to fight against teen pregnancy (TheSuperficial) - I really wanted to make this a solo post but I kept getting “sarcasm orgasms” and my left ear kept bleeding.  Seriously, this sounds beyond fucked up for me since Hayden once had a preggo scare and Bristol sunk her mom’s campaign.
Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to “legalize it” (ContactMusic) - or maybe its should “leGAHliezit!“

You guys think I need to post amateurs again?
The Russians are afraid of Madonna (Celebitchy) - like the country can get any worse, amirite?

Julia Roberts almosts pulls off the bikini look (TheSuperficial) - I give her points for being 45, but WHY do you have you’re kids name tattooed right above your ass??  No, really.  You afraid your husband is gonna forget how many times your vagina has been stretched out?  Like throwing a weiner into the Grand Canyon…

Keifer Sutherland is drunk.  Again.  And trouble with the law.  Again (GoneHollywood) - *sigh* I like Keifer.  If I was a Hollywood star I’d probably be Keifer.  Ya know, always drunk and getting arrested.  For me, though all it took was one cross with the po-po.  That’s why I drink at home now. 

Now Will Smith wants to be the “black James Bond” (ContactMusic) - oh yes, a black AMERICAN James Bond.  W. T. F?  Where in hell does that makes sense.  Shit, you gonna make a black James Bond at least make him “fookin’” English.  And Will (and P.Diddy and Jamie Foxx) - I’ve got two ideas right off the bat:  “Matt Helm” or “Derek Flint”.  Those are two AMERICAN spies who are itching for a makeover.

“Lily Allen enjoys snapper-free life in London” (ContactMusic) - ok I just posted this for the headline.  See, “snapper” is slang for vagina and … oh, fuck it.

Can you tell which one Hulk Hogan is fucking?  (Celebslam) - I seriously cannot tell the difference between the girlfriend and the daughter; which only leads to more fucked-up questions.  I’m gonna let this go before I have to go to twice-a-week therapy again.

Naomi Campbell reminds us she still kinda hot, if no longer relevant (DrunkenStepfather) -  truth?  If she were a stripper and we were in the VIP.  … Yeah, I’d hit it.  Just have to take the cellphone (or anything else she can throw) away from her.

How do you do a Blind Item on GOOD gossip??? (BlindGossip) - maybe this why we never much good news.  It’s always hidden?!