CelebrityFIST!

Because some things are too fucked up to add anything to.

Michael Jackson reportedly underwent emergency surgery after his young son accidentally punched him in the face. The Thriller hitmaker - who has undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries on his face in the past - was recently photographed in a Los Angeles bookstore wearing numerous bandages around his mouth. But sources tell Finditt.com the singer’s son, Prince Michael II, caused the injury: “He was whacked in the face accidentally by his younger son Prince Michael II while playing around and part of Jackson’s upper lip collapsed. “That mishap led a hysterical Jacko to make a beeline for the plastic surgeon for a bit of quickie repair work.” (source)

Yeah, nothing like getting hit by you kid and having your face fall off.  Kinda gives the “Got your nose!” routine a whole new spin.

Words cannot describe what has happened to Michael Jackson’s face. The easiest way to describe it is that Michael’s face looks like Britney’s life. I’m not even sure what he’s doing here. Possibly buying books like “Plastic Surgery For Dummies” and “Boy’s Life”, but I could be wrong.

Okay, I’ve looked at these long enough. Now if you will excuse me, I need to throw up.

I’m not gonna lie - I’ve never been into Jenna Jameson (pun intended).  I’ve always preferred the “classic stars” like Nina Hartley or even more current ones like Asia Carrera and Tera Patrick.  However, most of the current lot is indistinguishable from each other - looking nearly identical to one another.  That may be the only explanation why Jenna looks like one of those “Real Dolls” you see on the Internet going for a few grand:  almost life-like.  Well, Jenna looks almost life-like and yet she can’t seem to pull it off.  If I saw her and she started talking to me, I’d probably feel like Andrew McCarthy in “Mannequin”.  Shit, then I’d have to listen to atrocious Jefferson Starship song.

…. Hmmm, I think I prefer my hand over her at this point.  At least I know my hand is real.

To those longtime readers (you know who you are), you know I just wanna fuck love Scarlett Johannson, so anything that effects her, effects me (especially after that restraining order).  Now you can just imagine my anger when US Weekly decided to spout blashphemy when they dared suggested that my goddess had her nose done!

You can say many things about my Scarlett:  Done it in an elevator? Fine.  Blown half of Hollywood?  Who hasn’t?  But don’t DARE say my muse has gone under the knife.  BURN! BURN!

>ahem<

Anyway, Scarlett’s not thrilled either.  In fact, she’s so pissed she’s throwing the phrase “legal action” around:

“US Weekly’s cover story regarding Scarlett Johansson and its clear implication that she has had plastic or cosmetic surgery on her nose is an outrageous and defamatory fabrication lacking any conceivable basis or proof, despite vehement denials by Ms. Johansson prior to publication,” reads a statement from her rep, exclusively to OK!. “Not surprisingly, US magazine cannot provide the dates when she supposedly had this surgery, who performed the surgery, or what was supposedly done — all because there simply is no truth to the story. The publication made a pathetic attempt to validate its story by using two cover photos of Scarlett that were taken years apart with obviously different make-up and lighting, and then relying on an “expert’s opinion” (based solely on looking at the two photos) on what “might” have been done. It wasn’t.”

And Scarlett herself has this to say to OK!:

“I have always been straightforward with the press regarding my body image and I am very concerned that my fans (and perhaps even my employers) will feel misled. Thus, I feel compelled to take immediate legal action against US Weekly.”

Go get them, my love!  And - um - we need to talk about that 50 mile barrier, huh?

Just to prove that CelebrityFIST! is more than just celebs, we bring you this Public Service Announcement about the evils of Butt Implants.  It gets good at 27 seconds - you’ll be say “Aw, shit!” at that time.

From People.com:

Mary-Kate Olsen has been hospitalized with a kidney infection, her rep tells PEOPLE.

The actress entered the emergency room of a New York hospital on Monday.

“Mary Kate got a kidney infection,” says rep Nicole Caruso. “She’s resting comfortably and will be released in the next day or so.”

The actress, who turned 21 in June, recently said she was in good health.

“Mentally, physically, I feel pretty on top of my game right now,” she told EW.com in September, as she prepared for her debut in Showtime’s Weeds. “Talk to me next week, I don’t know. Today, I feel good.”

You just get the impression that the twins are made of glass or something. Maybe they were actually supposed to one person but somehow split into two. Hmm, maybe that means that if you put the two together you get “Mega-Olsen” or they have “Olsen Twin Powers ACTIVATE! Shape of a giant gorilla! Form of a pail of water!” Pail of water? See, that’s why the Wonder Twins always suck.

I really hate stories like this since I know the effects of medical errors in my dayjob…

What? You think I get PAID to do this? Nah, I do it for the pussy. BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Anyway, Dennis Quaid and his wife celebrate the birth of their twins back on the 8th (um, they used a “gestational carrier” - someone to carry the kids that were conceived with Quaids’ genetic material. Y’know, a “donkey”.). Unfortunately, they were placed in NeoNatal Intensive Care at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in L.A. because someone fucked up their heparin:

From People.com:

Thomas Boone and Zoe Grace, who were born on Nov. 8, were accidentally given a major dose of the anti-coagulant heparin.

The babies are in stable condition in the neo-natal intensive care unit at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, TMZ reports.

Later, TMZ found out the reason why:

Sources tell us the twins — Thomas Boone and Zoe Grace — were accidentally given a massive dose of Heparin, an anti-coagulant. Babies typically get 10 units. Our sources say they were each mistakenly given 10,000 units. The drug is used to flush out IV lines and prevent blood clots. We’re told one dose was given on Sunday morning, another on Sunday evening.

We’re told late Sunday night, both babies started to “bleed out.” Both babies are now at Cedars in the neo-natal intensive care unit where we’re told they are stable.

We’re told a technician stored the Heparin in the wrong place, and when a nurse grabbed the medicine for the babies without looking — it was the wrong dosage.

A source says the babies are now being given Protamine, which reverses the effects of Heparin.

(There’s also a note that several patients received this high dose Heparin)

Let me tell you about Heparin folks, and I’ll say this in the kindest, most gentlest way I can think of….

YOU DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH HEPARIN!!! IT’S A GODDAMN BLOOD THINNER!!!! TOO MUCH CAN CAUSE SOMEONE TO BLEED TO DEATH LIKE A DAMN HEMOPHILIAC!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING!? THE SECOND YOU GET SO BORED WITH YOUR JOB YOU IGNORE HEPARIN STRENGTH — GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE! YOU GONNA KILL SOMEBODY!

…

Thank you.