CelebrityFIST!

So how do we celebrate CelebrityFist 3.0?   With a movie trailer of course!

Hey you sit thru this shit before the film and you PAY for that…

However, this isn’t just ANY movie.  Nope.  This is the trailer to MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus.  This movie is made by Asylum Studios.  Now if you don’t know who they are, well they make the most hi-grade ripoff movies on the planet.  “Alien vs. Predator”?  Asylum has “Alien vs. HUNTER”.  Eh?  See, there’s a BIG difference!  Plus, Asylum gets the Z-listers in Hollywood to do this stuff so there’s some name recognition involved.

MS vs. GO in this case ’stars’ Deborah (Debbie) Gibson and Lorenzo Llamas.  No.  Really.  I seriously want what the producers are smoking because that must be some SERIOUS hi-grade blunt.

Dude 1:  Whoa.  How about this idea?  A giant octopus!

Dude 2:  Nah, dude not thri-

Dude 1:  Wait, wait, wait!  I got it!  A giant octopus FIGHTS a giant shark!  Except the shark is a MEGASHARK!!

Dude 2:  Whoa.  That’s sounds righteous!  Let’s do it!  Where’s our movie money???

Dude 1:  Aw, man - I bought 10,000 pizzas with that dough.

(this post is from under the influence of 2 Lone Star and 2 Miller High Life beers - you have been warned)

Okay, so the FB brings in this baby nephew of hers and … oh sorry - wrong post. 

Um - oh yeah - Katherine Heigl is a dumb bitch. (more…)

Well the dude who directed Slumdog Millionaire - Danny Boyle - has finally stepped into the fray regarding the homelessness of two of his child actors from the film.

As we last left India, Azharuddin Ismail and Rubina Ali and their families had been kicked out of their slum housing for city improvements (probably a telephone kiosk or something).  Anyway, it certainly seemed like bad times till Mr. Boyle went down there and bought some apartments for the two.

HOWEVER, there’s a new wrinkle:

Slumdog Millionaire’s young stars Azharuddin Ismail and Rubina Ali have been offered new homes by the Indian government - just days after director Danny Boyle purchased apartments for the child actors.
Boyle and the movie’s producers plucked Ismail, 10, and Ali, nine, from impoverished obscurity to appear in the Oscar-winning film and established the Jai Ho Trust last year to help fund their education.
But the kids’ plight has captured headlines in recent weeks after both children’s families were booted out of their homes and forced to live on the streets of India by local authorities.
They had been homeless for weeks before Boyle flew into Mumbai this week  and revealed he had bought Ismail a brand new apartment, with plans to do the same for Ali.
And now India’s chief minister, Congress party member Ashok Chavan, has waded into the controversy - revealing both stars’ families have already been alloted new homes which will be ready in days.
A statement from Chavan reads, “The regional head of the Congress party said these two child actors were talented but were living in the slums and therefore should be given homes.”
As WENN went to press, it was unknown whether the two families would have to choose between the homes.  (ContactMusic)

Without wading too far into this quagmire; Boyle should have at least set up SOMETHING for these kids before leaving them in the first place.  How do you take them to Hollywood and then plop them back into the slums???  Second, obviously this is a political ploy and if anything it’ll just get worse for these kids as they get older - becoming pawns in the next regional election.

For what its worth, I’d take the apartment from Boyle.

Oh yeah, fair fight…

One Hollywood source revealed yesterday: “Gwyneth has become very frustrated with Scarlett. They come from different worlds and have completely different styles. Gwyneth has found Scarlett very demanding of the attention of the crew. It’s not a happy set.”
The on-set source added: “Gwyneth and Scarlett have never been particularly close.
“Gwyneth was looking forward to working with EMILY BLUNT, who was originally in line for the part, but it ended up being Scarlett. Gwyneth’s had to live with that and she has been very professional, but she and Scarlett haven’t developed a friendship on the shoot, which is almost at the half way point.
“In fact, it’s quite the opposite.” (TheSun)

Gee, maybe it has something to do with this:

Scarlett Johansson’s outfit for Iron Man 2 has been altered — because it was showing off her intimate areas.

“She looked stunning in this skin-tight black suit that left absolutely nothing to the imagination,” an insider reports. “Scarlett has got into incredible shape for this movie and her costume really highlights this.“The only thing is that certain more intimate areas were a little too highlighted so the wardrobe department have had to make a few alterations to ensure Iron Man 2 doesn’t end up an adults only movie.”

Iron Man 2 director Jon Favreau recently revealed that Johansson silenced the crew when she arrived onset in her skimpy outfit.  (ShowbizSpy)

SO - apparently “very demanding of the attention of the crew” means “giving rock-hard erections to the crew”.

It sounds like the set is VERY happy, if anything.  Sounds like the only poopoo-ing is the GOOP girl.

…

BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! 

From FoxNews (hey, I get the news whereever I find it):

Kelly McGillis told the Internet show Girl Rock! that she was single, and in the market for a female partner.“Definitely a woman,” she said when asked if she’s looking for a man or a woman. “I’m done with the man thing. You need to move on in life.”McGillis, 51, has been married and divorced twice, and has two daughters with her second husband, Fred Tillman.

The actress said coming out as a lesbian was “an ongoing process from the time I was probably 12.”

She added that “I had a lot of things happen that convinced me that God was punishing me because I was gay.” McGillis was attacked and raped in her apartment in 1982 when she was a young actress working in New York.

VIDEO: Click here for the Kelly McGillis interview.

The actress also told Girl Rock! that now that her daughters are grown, she’s looking to get back into acting, but is having a hard time - because she won’t dye her hair!

The only reason this is even news to me is that it seems that the only person who didn’t know Kelly was a lesbian … was Kelly.  I could’ve sworn I knew this for about 20 years now (srsly).  I think it was when Witness came out (w/ Harrison Ford).  I shrugged, thought “okay”, end of story.

Plus isn’t Top Gun like the gayest movie ever (before Brokeback Mountain anyway)??

Honestly, this is a post I’ve been holding off on because - well, i STILL think this won’t happen.  Though if it does it’ll be kinda interesting to see what happens next.

Okay, here’s the lowdown.  There’s this pornstar by the name of Sasha Grey.  Now homeboy here made her a ChaozBabe early on (#3, to be exact).  To summarize, she’s like an evil version of me (which is kinda saying something).  Anyway, she is trying to break into REAL motion pictures.  Like the type you got to a REAL theatre for.

Now normally, this wouldn’t mean shit; since up to now argueably the ‘biggest’ crossover star is Traci Lords (who managed co-billing in some Lovecraft-related horror films).  Those who have crossed over since have mostly had small roles or TV appearances at best.

Sasha is going for broke, though.

The movie?  “The Girlfriend Experience“.  The role?  Lead, baby.  The director?  Steven Soderbergh.  Yeah, as in the one that has directed Ocean’s Eleven (and sequels), Traffic, and Che.

Now despite the title, “Soderbergh’s film supposedly has no sex and minimal nudity.” (Huffington)  This only lends to the ultimate question:  “Can a porn star actually carry a non-porn film?”  If Sasha can pull this off (and - honestly - there’s every reason to say she shouldn’t) will she be able to actually “to do the impossible” and cross over as legitimate?

Hell, will she WANT to?

Variety’s review - mostly positive here.

You wanna see Sasha do nasty stuff - google it - but here’s a start.

Okay, okay - video of Sasha doing her ‘dayjob‘. (NSFW, doesn’t even cover it)
Below: Pics of Sasha and Steven at the Tribeca Film Festival.  No, really.

Alright, now for those who don’t know already; Unca Chaoz here is a comic book geek.  Specifically, DC Comics.  And specifically of THAT, mostly non-superhero.  Sgt. Rock, G.I. Combat, Kamandi, House of Mystery, etc.  That’s my forte.  Well they’re not making any of those titles anymore; except a western comic.

Jonah Hex.

I’ve got a soft spot for the book.  He’s basically a disfigured Clint Eastwood “Man With No Name” character.  He was born to an alcoholic dad who beat the shit outta him and then sold his ass off to an Indian tribe.  He saved the tribal chief and was made an honorary ’son’ of the chief.  This would piss off the chief’s real son and saw Jonah as a rival.  Eventually, on a raid against another tribe Jonah was left for dead by his rival.

After serving in the Confederate infantry he would eventually make his way back to the tribe where his rival challenged him to a tomahawk duel.  The chief’s son however had sabotaged Jonah’s weapon and Jonah kills his rival with a hidden knife after realizing what had happened.  The chief, however, felt that what Jonah did was ‘cheating’ and for his sin was scarred on his right side with a burning tomahawk.

A pariah to both white men and red; he became a bounty hunter.  Make his living bringing wanted men - dead or alive.

That’s from memory, motherfuckers.

Anyhoo - they have FINALLY decided to make a movie about one of my all time favorite characters.  Of course, they’re gonna fuck it up.  How?  Two words (more…)

Get it?  A pun!  Ha-HA!

Okay, I’ve finally sobered up enough from a two day binge of strippers and alcohol.  My finances are in shambles and my dick is starting to glow-in-the-dark; so I need something to take my mind off of that (and the intense itching).

Fortunately, Jessica Biel has decided to liven up my spirits (if not my penis) with this screencaps for Blue Orchid Powered Blue Blue Tequila whatever this movie’s called.  Lets face it we’re not gonna watch it NOW because we have the caps.  Sure motion is better but its hard to fap in a movie theatre (at least that’s what I told the judge the last time).

Of course, these have been plastered all over the net like a Lohan crotch shot but I can’t stand being left out in the nudie department so here go! (more…)

Finally something to make us forget about that Speed Racer live-action…

Now, under normal circumstance there are groups of people I certainly don’t write about - Zac Efron falls into that group.  Call me an ‘old fart’ (because that’s what I am) but I seriously cannot tell the difference from him and the zillion other pseudo-emo actors in Hollywood.  Seriously.  You could show me the 10 most popular throw in the Jonas Brothers and I couldn’t tell one from the other.

But I digress…

Okay, first I read this about Efron’s hosting duties on SNL: (boldface mine)

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL star ZAC EFRON turned on his teenage fans during his guest host stint on U.S. comedy show SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE at the weekend.The 21-year old singer/actor has amassed a huge teenage following thanks to the hit Disney franchise.
But he poked fun at his underage devotees while presenting the popular late night show.
During his opening monologue, Efron said, “Tonight is very important to me because I get to reach out to a with new audience.

“But first, if you don’t mind, I’d like to say something first to the fans who brought me here. Hey tweens, Zac Efron here. I just wanted to take a moment in the show to say hi to you guys. And by guys, I mean girls. Because let’s face it, tweens, I owe you big time. If it weren’t for you, I’d just be some random college student instead of a college-aged man pretending to be a high school student.

“Plus, I want to thank you for the financial support. True, your parents gave me that money. But you gave me something even more valuable: your attention. And if someone can keep a tween’s attention for more than five minutes, parents will pay that person all of their disposable income. So thank you.” (ContactMusic)

Ok.  Funny.  He say “thanks for the money.  Fuck you.  I’m moving on.”  Fine and dandy, but hold on - then I see this:

After months of rumors, it’s finally been confirmed that  “High School Musical” star Zac Efron has signed on to play the title role in Warner Bros.’ planned live-action version of the popular ’60s Hanna-Barbera cartoon show Jonny Quest.  (GoneHollywood)

Say wha’??

Look, you wanna move to more adult roles?  Fine.  But, uh, Zac-bro; did you know that Jonny Quest was an 11-year-old boy???  Oy vey, Zac you don’t burn those bridges if you’re going to play basically a kid, okay?

And to top it all off Zac also wants to destroy remake a (sorta) classic film - Back To The Future.