CelebrityFIST!

Who da man? HE DA MAN!

… ok, “drinking buddy” only in the sense that we both drink and I think we’d be buddies if we were in the same bar.

… ok, so he’s probably more like “THE MAN” than against “THE MAN”

… ok, you can’t really “keep him down” because he probably makes more money than all of us put together.

But otherwise that IS a true statement.

The point is that Kiefer won’t have to go to trial because he apologized to the pussy dude he headbutted a couple of weeks back.

Sutherland apologized to fashion designer Jack McCollough, who had claimed the 24 star broke his nose in a scuffle at a New York nightclub May 5.
“I am sorry about what happened that night and sincerely regret that Mr. McCollough was injured,” Sutherland said in a joint statement released to the Associated Press.
McCollough said in the statement: “I appreciate Mr. Sutherland’s statement and wish him well,” according to AP (People)

However, if know I Kiefer (and I don’t); he probably had his fingers crossed the whole time and once inside his limo, he cracked open a nice bottle of tequila, poured himself a nice tall shot, and drank while young naked nubile coeds annointed him with oils…

… whoops!  Sorry, got my daydream mixed up in there.  My bad. 

Saw this on Gawker … the photos are some stupid ad about 3-D, but the way it appears…

Smart move, People.

Thin line between love and hate, indeed.

You know I’ve decided to just waste one post on these two idiots lovebirds (Chris Brown and Rihanna) rather than the requisite 5000 everyone seems to be throwing at them.  So basically all I’ve done is run through Celebslam (who does this shit better than I do) - catching up myself and now I catch you all up on the drama.

Because misery loves company, don’tchya know?

Alright, well last week pictures of THE CAR (where the smackdown took place) showed up on Radar Online with some noted blood stains in the interior (kinda hard to make out honestly IMO).  Later that day he went to court for arraignment; where despite last minute attempts at a deal the LA District Attorney charged him with two felonies:  assault and making criminal threats.

Then Celebslam posts up a transcript of Rihanna’s take on events.  Really unpleasant stuff and pretty explicit threats.

Oh yeah and at the arraignment, Brown’s lawyer got a continuance til April 6th.  No plea from Brown.  Which basically means that this shit ain’t going NOWHERE for at least the next month.

Of course the continuance means Chris Brown now tries to go on the offensive by first attempting a really stupid deal which the DA doesn’t bite at (obviously).  Also, Brown’s PR team goes into full spin overdrive by getting him to write a book on abuse …. with Rihanna.

Now if you read the transcript (and I’m sure you didn’t) this apparently all got started because Rihanna went ballistic because of three text messages Brown got with someone he had a prior sexual relationship with.  Well - according to TMZ - it turns out that’s his manager - Tina Davis.  Talking about taking her 10%, hmm?

And of course Rihanna is such a ‘good sport’ about getting her face beat in that she’s even singing a duet with our little beater.  Ain’t that special?

And for a nice coda here is a ’supposed’ IQ ad that CS found (I say ’supposed’ because you could easily fake this shit).  Kinda summarize this whole post, no?

How do you spell ‘FAIL’?  A-D-N-A-N
Britney’s former lover(?) Adnan Ghalib is probably gonna be busy for awhile seems in a l-i-t-t-l-e trouble with the Po-po.

Britney Spears‘ ex-admirer Adnan Ghalib is facing felony charges for allegedly hitting a process server with his car as the guy tried to present Ghalib with the Spears family’s restraining order against him, according to Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office spokeswoman Jane Robison.

Ghalib was charged Tuesday with assault with a deadly weapon, battery and hit-and-run for the alleged Feb. 11 incident.  … Ghalib is facing up to seven years in prison if convicted on all charges.

Per the criminal complaint, Ghalib started to drive toward the man, who, in order to avoid being pinned against a garbage truck, jumped onto the hood of Ghalib’s Mercedes. Ghalib swerved and the alleged victim fell off, breaking his wrist and sustaining other injuries. The defendant then drove away without stopping.  (E! Online)

If you look at the link it sez “Adnan charged hit and run of Britney”.  Yeah, right.  But hey, you gotta get attention somehow with TMZ looking all the good stories recently.

Anyhoo, with any luck we won’t have to see his sorry ass until the next Star Trek picture with William Shatner. 

Couldn’t happen to a better person…

“I’m hittin’ that!” … yeah, he sure did.

The blogosphere is going apeshit over finding out the details.  The details that ARE coming out are not good at all.  All of the following is from TMZ (various posts).

First was this bit:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Rihanna’s injuries were severe — two “huge contusions” which swelled up on both sides of her forehead. We’re told she also suffered “a bloody lip and nose.”

One of the law enforcement people put it this way — the contusions “look like an MMA fighter or something … [It] looked like she was growing devil’s horns.”

Then it gets worse:

As we reported, the photos show major contusions on both sides of the singer’s face — there is serious swelling and bruising. Her lip is split and her nose bloody. We have now confirmed there are bite marks on one of her arms and on several fingers.

And we now know this… Rihanna claims Brown struck her with his fists and that’s what did the damage. There was no object used in the alleged attack…

And we’ve learned it was not Rihanna who called 911. Someone in the area heard her screams and called.

The topper?  Rihanna may not press charges (MTO)

Now MediaTakeOut.com can EXCLUSIVELY report that Rihanna does NOT want Chris Brown to be criminally punished for the alleged assault. According to an EXTREMELY reliable insider, Rihanna is NO LONGER assisting investigators in their criminal case against Chris Brown.

Nice.  She not only gets the crap beaten outta her but now she doesn’t want him to go to jail?!  If that shit is true I say you give the dipshit a pair of brass knuckles and five minutes with her to if she changes her mind.

They’re both dumbfucks.

Man, I hope I don’t burn out again this time from Miley “I’m Innocent” Cyrus.  But dammit, it shor is fun ritenow!

Anyhoo, Miley is catching heat … yet again.  This time rather than flashing boob, it’s flashing eyes.  Slant eyes to be exact.  Dig the photo below.

Perfectly innocent photo, right?  *snort*  Wrong!

“Not only has Miley Cyrus and the other individuals in the photograph encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American friends,” OCA executive director George Wu in a statement issued on Monday. [Reuters via The Daily Telegraph]

Fortunately, Miley has decided to apologize.  Kinda.  Sorta.  Not really.

Here is actually the whole message sent by Miley to a fansite ‘apologizing’ for the issue:

Hey guys! Just wanted to give you a quick update on whats going on in my life! Im still in Nashville, but Im heading back to LA tomorrow! Taylor and I rehearse together tomorrow in Nashville before the Grammys on Sunday! That is going to be so much fun! Ive had such a good time being home hanging out with my friend Lesley and just chillin’ out!Its good to get away from it ALL every now and then! I couldnt of planned a better week to come back to Nashville! I cant believe all of the silly STUFF that has been put out in the press this week! It really makes me sad that people want to tear other people down just for the sake of magazine sells and hits on websites! Unfortunately, it seems like BAD is what sells!>

As for the shot of me taken outside of a dressing room, I wasnt aware that some creepy paparazzi was able to get a picture of me from where I was in the store. When did it become so out of control, that I cant come out of a dressing room to show my sister a shirt Im trying on? It seems to me there needs to be better laws and more boundaries on these photographers!

Ive also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, Im sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!

In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy? It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new ‘BAD GIRL’!

I feel like now that Britney is back on top of her game again, they need someone to pick on! Lucky me! haha Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know what is on my heart. You guys know me and have been by my side every step of the way!

You guys know my heart and know the most important things to me are my friends, family, fans, and GOD! In NO WAY do I want to disappoint any of you! But, when I have made mistakes in the past, I feel like Ive owned up to them and apologized.

Anyway, I really wish everyone would stop focusing on my personal life and get back to focusing on what I love! Music
and Acting! Hopefully, I will be touring again this fall! Yayy! =] It will be a nice change to be back out on the road
again! xoxo Blessings.. Miley =) [via Pink Is The New Blog]

So, the message I got from her is:  “Asians have ‘goofy faces’.”  Sound about right?  Next she’ll say that burning crosses is simply a way of ‘keeping warm while cherishing religion’.

I’d say the little bitch needs a spanking but I get the feeling now she likes it better when daddy gives it to her… 

Rule #0: DON’T GIVE HEAD WITH COFFEE IN YOUR HAND!

For those 3 or 4 of you who don’t know; there’s alot of porn on the Net.  Which leads to some women being called ’stars’ in this field.  Well, one of them is Puma Swede.  Stupid name?  You betchya.  She really isn’t all that hot either but hey I like my women a little more natural (though top heavy) … what?  I’m picky (sometimes)!  Fuckoff.

Anyhoo, TMZ came up with this little gem of tit-for-tat (or ‘tit-for-head’):

Porn star Puma Swede tells TMZ, pilot David Martz volunteered his chopper as a backdrop for a porn shoot at Montgomery Field in San Diego.

She says as a way to “compensate” Martz for letting her use the chopper in the shoot, she performed oral sex on him while he was flying. Puma is telling the truth. We have video of the entire flight.

Martz has had his pilot’s license suspended twice and revoked twice. He’s still flying.

The pic above and the TMZ link go to the first posting of this.  NOW, TMZ has released the %$^@! censored video…

(click pic to linked post)

Actually, it’s not very explicit at all since they cut out the ENTIRE oral sex scene.  BOO!  Plus he only lasted 47.5 seconds.  47.5 seconds?!  Sorry, Puma’s not THAT good!  Dude, I thought I needed a life!!! 

So now the guys in hot water for the hot … um, “gratitude” he gave Puma.  All 47.5 seconds of it.  Shit, I’d rather give a *** **** for a **** ******* at the *********** **** with tapioca.  [information eliminated due to potential girlfriend reading this]

Well, to make up for this here’s Puma in her natural environment… no censoring. (more…)

This is one weird news item from ContactMusic:

KATE HUDSON is at the sharp end of a bizarre new lawsuit - bosses of a haircare company have accused her of stealing their volcano ash.

220 Labs bosses claim the actress stole their idea for a secret volcano ash hair product.
In a lawsuit, filed in Los Angeles on Friday and obtained by TMZ.com, the plaintiffs claim Hudson took a sample they gave her and created her own line of products, which she even promoted on U.S. cable shopping channel HSN.
Lawyers for 220 Labs are demanding unspecified damages.
First of all, “220 Labs”?  What kinda name is that?  I mean I know what 420 means; but 220?  Anyway…

Next “secret volcano ash”?  Wow, I can just see Kate Hudson going to Mount Poopoocaca in the dark of night secretly scooping up this “conditioner of the gods”.  The woman can barely act, much less be Machiavellian enough to outfox a lab(rador retriever).

Finally, when you’re doing promos on HSN; girl, its time to pose in Playboy Penthouse Hustler Celebrity Skin, collect that last decent check and then spend the rest of your life performing dinner theatre.  Seriously.

Dramatization of News Article
Nope, someone apparently has a more mad-on for Miley Cyrus than most of us saner folk.  See, I hate Miley Cyrus.  Why?  Maybe because she looks like a piggy (as noted yesterday).  Or maybe because I generally hate kids.  Most likely though, I fail to understand how she is such a “big star” if I didn’t know who the hell she was six months ago.  I mean, I remember seeing “Hannah Montana” CDs and stuff but I figured that was like “Raffi” or “Dora The Explorer”.  All I know is I wake up one day and Miley-freakin’-Cyrus is a “cultural phenomenon”!?  Who fell asleep at that wheel???

I still have the same problem with “High School Musical”, but I digress…

Authorities have charged a teenage boy who said he planned to hijack a commercial jetliner in an attempt to commit suicide, an FBI spokesman said late Thursday.

The 16-year-old was taken into custody by airport police without incident on Tuesday evening after flying from Los Angeles, California, to Nashville, Tennessee, on Southwest Airlines Flight 284.

“His stated intent was to hijack the airplane and commit suicide,” said George Bolds, an FBI spokesman in Memphis, Tennessee. “He did indicate he intended to die in Louisiana. It appears he had a ticket to Louisiana.”

The teen wanted to crash the plane into a Hannah Montana concert in Lafayette, Louisiana, two CNN television affiliates in Nashville, WSMV and WTVF, reported, citing unnamed sources. The concert is scheduled for Friday night at the Lafayette Cajundome.(source)

Then Fox News added this tidbit:

Bolds said the teen was calm throughout the flight and never made an attempt to hijack the plane but told the FBI after he was apprehended about his original plans to commandeer the aircraft. Authorities searched the teen’s home in California and found a mock cockpit.(source)

Yikes.  I mean I would like to see Hannah and all of her rabid fans in a smoldering crater, but damn there are better things in life.  “Porn” comes immediately to mind.

Another thing, I just love how news services always use that ever reliable “unnamed source”.  Hmm, okay….

“Unnamed sources” to me say that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton had a threesome with me last week.

….and they DID - dreams are a wonderful thing… 

I’ve avoided writing about Britney Spears‘ newest idiocy for the main reason that I actually keep thinking that it’s fake.  I mean, it HAS to be fake.  I’m actually at the point where i just hope this is the world’s largest Punk’d.

But I ain’t that lucky apparently, SO…

The last insanity started shortly before Xmas.  Britney apparently became smitten with a member of the paparazzi named Adnan.  I’ll spare you the details of how they met (suffice that Brit made the first move).  They eventually went on a date which went off so well that he finally left her hotel room at 4AM.  Of course, this was made all the more “ewww”-ey by Adnan saying he “had the best night of my life!”

Well, the response from some was almost obvious:  “She’s suicidal.“  I personally think she’s suicidal.  She out of her gourd, but not suicidal.

Needless to say, this is being scrutinized intensely by Kevin Federline’s attorneys who are looking to get her to depose (finally) in January in the divorce proceedings.  Even the whisper of “contempt of court” is being heard if she doesn’t do it this time.

By the time Xmas was over, Britney was taking her “Pet Pap” for a car ride exceeding 100 mph, having him do errands, and even STILL waiting for her so he can take pictures of her (it is his ‘job’ after all).  He then is denying having actually slept with Brit (then again, I would too).

ALL of which brings us today.  We find out a little more about Adnan.  Not only did he meet the kids (with the court-appointed monitor); but - um - he’s married.  Oooh, smooth move, Ex-Lax. (It should be noted, though that the source OK! Magazine pulled the online article about the married thing.  Hmmm.)

Also, today was apparently the day of the Big Deposition for Britney.  This would have been big news, except - you guessed it.  SHE DIDN’T SHOW!  AGAIN!!  In case you’re curious, that makes five times she’s a no-show.  Apparently, 5 is also the magic number for her high-powered attorney firm because now THEY wanna bail out on her now citing a “communication breakdown“.  Which evidently show God has a sense of humor, since that was the original name of this very blog!!!  Oh the great Synchronicity of Life!

(no I don’t know who Nadia Bjorlin is, but she’s got a nice pair and killer legs)