CelebrityFIST!

BlindGossip basically tore a large (if obvious) hole into the whole Jon & Kate Gosselin disaster.  For those with lives, TLC (ironically “The Learning Channel”) has this couple who has 8 kids and the “ins & outs” of handling a large family.  In reality, its the possibly the worst example of “reality television” - at least til someone has a series about dying on live TV (I give it 5 years tops).  The kids alone will need therapy approaching $1 million (like a child actor but NOT acting ). (more…)

Okay, I’m drunk first of all; so this summary will be sketchy at best (but aren’t all summaries?).  Plus, any post about (name deleted) is worth at least a beer or two before writing (much less reading).  So… (more…)

What does he have that I don’t?  Britney spawn.
These are the moments when I’m glad I’m nowhere near a celebrity.  I hate to think that I was I’d be something like Kevin Federline but I know in the back of my diseased little head; I’d do the exact same thing. (boldface mine)

The $2 million he received when his and Britney’s house in Malibu was sold is gone, as well as the $500,000 he received for two years of marriage. The money he earned from photos, interviews and personal appearances - estimated to be in the hundreds of thousands - has also been spent. And despite getting a $5,000-a-month increase in child support last spring - bringing it from $15,000 to $20,000 - his spare-no-expense existence is proving to be more than his wallet can handle.

Kevin was renting a $7,500-a-month, five-bedroom home in Tarzana, Calif., that he shared with his sons, their nanny, Kevin’s girlfriend Victoria Prince, brother Chris Federline, best friend Jimmy Federico and a few part-time bodyguards. Kevin’s food bill is more than $2,000 a month. He claims he needs to have the boys, Sean, 3, and Jayden, 2 , on a special diet because they are picky eaters and suffer from allergies. He always has a fully stocked bar with top-shelf liquors, which cost him an average of $500-$800 a month. Utilities run $1,500, the nanny’s monthly salary is $2,800, and the bodyguards get $3,000 a month, added the source.

“Kevin can’t afford the rent, his help, the food and the booze it takes to keep up the place.” (National Enquirer)

$2000 a month in food???  Shit, I thought I ate alot; I mean shit, just look at him!!

…
Actually, add glasses, shave the beard, and tan this fucker to a golden brown and you’ve got me.
… shit, I’m gonna put my head in the microwave.  C ya. 

Sometimes just don’t realize its 15:01.  Take for example this chick.  For those who don’t know (which should be 100% of you) this is Brittany Flickinger (or Fuckfinger, if you prefer).  Anyway, she won the Be Paris Hilton’s BFF Reality Show or some shit like that.  She got to hang with Paris for like a month before Paris got bored with her and basically kicked her to the curb (like she does with most people).

So instead of doing something constructive to extend her ‘15 minutes’ (like animal porn); she goes to the beach for some paparazzi shots.  Well, actually she probably gets a friend to take this pics early in the morning (she still looks asleep) and then sends them off to … um, wherever pap shots get sent.

So, Brittany - seriously, suck some dick on film and you’ll become famous … or at least more famous than you are now anyway.

Turn it off!  TURN IT OFF!

Well the shots of Lisa Rinna from Pl_yb_y have come out and … um.  Gee, how do I put this?

Ok - they suck.

At least the magazine has learned its lesson with from the last time so that photos merely looked altered as opposed to outright computer generated.  *Sigh*  I remember fondly when it was the fap-o-choice.

Now?  Shit, I could pass for Details with tits.

I really don’t know whose idea it was to get Lisa Rinna to pose.  Waste of money.  Further, if they’re going to airbrush shit couldn’t they have least fixed her lips????

OMG - what if that was the best Photoshop could do? 

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OKAY I WAS GONNA PUBLISH THIS AT 4:04AM LAST NIGHT BUT I DIDN’T WANT THIS SPOILING MY PAGE ALL DAY HENCE THE LATE POST…

Words fail…
Here I am just getting ready to go to bed when I come across this shit (DrunkenStepfather):

The WOW Report just talked to Vivid Entertainment’s co-chairman Steven Hirsch and he told us that Vivid is custom-developing a script for Nadya Suleman called Octopussy. “It would feature Nadya and eight men,” he said. “We have confirmed that she has seen our offer and are waiting to hear back from her. For one million dollars we expect 88 minutes of full hardcore sex.” Then he added, “With her lips she would have been perfect to star in Vivid’s new reality show Deeper Throat.” (sauce)

Um … it’s too fucking late in the evening.  I’m drunk and I have to work tomorrow morning.  So…

Why not just get Verne Troyer to see if he can crawl in there?

No, really.

Because at this point she has stretch marks that you can probably roll up with a broomstick and sell as window shades.  She probably has suspenders on her pussy lips.

In other words - the guys at Vivid need to REALLY lay off drinking the bong water.  They’re fucking it up for the rest of us.

You can almost see the calories move from one to the other!

One of the fundamental laws of thermodynamics (I think, I was too busy looking the tits of my study partner to give a shit) was “Energy can neither be created nor destroyed.”  Apparently, that applies to FAT as well.  See, Britney Spears has lost a LOT of weight recently and … well, it had to go somewhere.

So in what can only be viewed as either karma or a weird form of symbiosis, her ex-leech Kevin Federline has apparently become the repository for Britney’s fat.  It is unknown whether he is charging her rent on said fat or if Britney ever intends on getting it back.  It is also unknown if this was acheived via some sort of osmotic pull or if he actually ate part of Britney.  The scientific community however should look into this immediately as it could become used to explain so many ultra-skinnies in Hollywood.  Its possible that Oprah may be another of these “centers of fat” as well.

Hmm, maybe it’s even a CONSPIRACY!  The “Illumifati”!!

Gallery from TheSuperficial:

Next up is the dog-faced boy!
Important safety tips:

• Never eat hot wings unless they are FRESH
• Never, EVER eat them reheated
• NEVER EVER NEVER do tequila shots immediately after eating said wings

Which explains why I haven’t been around the last couple of days.  My ass felt like the poor guy that Boy George had locked up for awhile.  OUCH!

But enough about me, seems like Brooke Hogan has managed to parlay her TV time as a ‘reality star’ (peroxy-moron) into an actual career!

Well, wrestling actually, like her dad, BUT …

we have to tell you that Brooke and her VH1 handlers are shooting an episode of Brooke Knows Best at the Florida State Fair on Feb. 6. Buy your tickets now!

Wilson Media tells tbt* and The Juice* that the deal is “90 percent done,” but Hogan is “due to wrestle” Rick Flair’s son in a circus tent after the last show of the day by Circus Hollywood. Now that shows some promise. (TampaBay.com)

I can just picture it now…

Elmer:  Oh land o’ goshen!  That Broke Hogan is gonna rassle at the fair!  We gotta get areselfs some tikets for dat!

Polly: Oh, Elmer, we can’t do that!  You promised to take me to see the freakshow so I can see my cousin Zeke!

Elmer:  Well, shoot, Polly!  Its in the same tent!  Ya forgit that Broke is a guy who looks like a girl!

Or something to that effect.

Gallery by TheSuperficial

Kendra shopping at “Skanks Iz Us”
In a move that should shock no one at this point (certainly not me).  Kendra Wilkinson is ‘telling all’ about life at the Playboy Mansion with Hugh Hefner and his other girlfriends.  This is in light of her impending marriage to some football player and moving out of the mansion.

Life at the Playboy Mansion wasn’t always a party, according to Kendra Wilkinson. As for sex … well, she got it elsewhere.

“I had to have sex every now and then, so I had to kind of sneak it,” Hugh Hefner’s 23-year-old ex tells Us Weekly.

Of course, she did sleep with Hef, but that wasn’t the worst of it…

Spending holidays away from the Mansion were … big no-nos, Wilkinson says, and the girlfriends received a $1,000 allowance once a week.

“I hate putting my hand out, but we couldn’t have jobs other than getting appearance fees,” she says.

Pitfalls aside, Hef’s youngest ex maintains that she enjoyed life with her 82-year-old beau. “Hef was kind of like my best friend, but a sugar daddy at the same time … Hef made me feel beautiful.”

Apparently, when she wasn’t “putting her hand out”.

So how does she sum up her opinions of living at the Mansion?

Says Wilkinson: “Now I’m totally against [Hefner’s] way of life, with three girlfriends and all of that.” (all from NY Daily News)

Really?  She’s lucky she got to split up swallowing 82-year-old sperm with two other girls.  Heaven forbid she was stuck doing a solo act!  Then again maybe $3000 a week would’ve been enough to keep her happy.  NOT!

Alright, I have no idea who she is.  According to Wiki she’s  “a Dutch glamour model and aspiring singer”.  Well she does have a nice set of lungs.

She also apparently had an affair with David Beckham (some soccer dude) and screwed around and sorta married Jenny Shimizu (who was Angelina Jolie’s boxlunch for a time).

Translation - she’s a megahoe.  That’s a good thing! 

Anyway, we’ve got some near-life size pics of her… (These are BIG!)

And the REAL reason for this post - nudity!  These from a topless beach.  Like I said nice lungs (after the jump)…

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