CelebrityFIST!

Okay, I’m on my third beer today (y’know, this drunk blogging thing is the wave of the future, I guarantee it!) and I have found one of the most disturbing pictures I’ve seen in recent memory…

It’s not ‘goatse’ level but I think it’s close.  And it’s after the jump…

MAYBE…

See, maybe there IS a picture or ISN’T.  Call it “Schrodinger’s Cat Goes Interweb”.  I mean, after the jump there may be a picture or maybe not.  It might be less disgusting the ‘goatse’.  Or … maybe it’s worse.

Heck maybe I just linked to the google site … or maybe it links back to itself.  I don’t know at this point.  See - these are the things I think about right before bed (which explains why I don’t sleep very well).

Well, actually I’m joking it does link to a rather grotesque picture …. or does it?  Of course, you won’t know until you click the link and by then the outcome is already known.

Actually, let’s play it safe and just say DON’T CLICK THE LINK!  No, really, the picture (assuming there is one) is not worth it.  You’ll just be angry at me for posting such a disgusting picture.  Or you’ll be angry at me for making you go through all this for nothing.  Or you’ll wonder at how the universe manages to get anything done we don’t know the uncertainty around us.

…

SEE - THIS is why I had to stop drinking.  (Well, that and the - *ahem* - “judicial problems” i had)

…

Y’know what, just go ahead and click; it see if I care.  Or don’t.  Frankly, I don’t think you should.

(more…)

Apparently, Mischa Barton - who said previously she wanted to quit Hollywood - just can’t seem to leave it.  Of course, that’s kinda hard to do when you’re high and drunk.  Makes finding the highway a little difficult.

A West Hollywood police source tells TMZ that when she was arrested, Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, admitted to smoking marijuana earlier that day (which cops found in her car) and had what cops say looked like prescription drugs in her car — in an unlabeled bottle. What’s the problem, officer?

Barton was popped at 2:45 AM Thursday in West Hollywood. Cops pulled her over after they witnessed her “straddling two lanes of traffic and failed to signal when making a turn.”

She was arrested on suspicion of DUI, possession of narcotics and driving on a suspended license. Barton was taken to the West Hollywood Sheriff’s station and was released on $10,000 bail. (source)

Actually a .12 is nothing.  Well, it’s illegal; but you’re still semi-coherent.  However, if you’ve been doing the grass - that’s not gonna help matters.  It’s not like you should go … “damn I’m high.  I need something to bring me down!  I know!  Liquor and drugs!”

And why go driving?  Nowadays, don’t restaurants have delivery service to avoid driving when the munchies attack???  Silly retarded ‘actress’.

First, it was Tara Reid; now it’s Lindsay Lohan. While Tara is shilling herself as “the hostess with the mostess”; Linds has taken a more conventional route: endorsements. At least if one is to believe The Sun UK:

The Mean Girls star - who completed a stint in rehab for alcohol and drug addiction in October - has a money-spinning advertising deal with Ariva, a compressed form of tobacco which allows a person to consume nicotine without smoking.

The Sydney Morning Herald reports: “The troubled Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan is the last person you would expect to be on the receiving end of a little Aussie ingenuity but not everyone has friends like the Australian playboy Andy Valmorbida.

“After playing host at his family’s marquee at the Melbourne Cup with Rachel Hunter, Valmorbida has returned to Hollywood to work on a deal for Lohan to indirectly endorse a nicotine substitute to help smokers quit.

“His Aussie friends inform PS the deal requires Lohan to hold the packet of special gum in view of the paparazzi so it can be captured in the frame and published worldwide.”

Well, shit - if she wants to make money on endorsements; she ought to go with condoms. No wait - she doesn’t use those, does she.

Hmm, maybe Jamie Lynn Spears could make some condom commercials - she’d be perfect as the “stupid chick”.

People.com is now reporting that the lead singer of Quiet Riot - who died last week - died from a accidental cocaine overdose.

Clark County coroner spokeswoman Samantha Charles confirmed the cause after toxicology results were received, the Associated Press reports.

The 52-year-old DuBrow was found dead in his home Nov. 25.

“The cause is cocaine intoxication,” Charles said.

Quiet Riot was best known for “Cum on Feel the Noize” in 1983 on the album Metal Health, the first by a metal band to reach No. 1 on the Billboard chart.

DuBrow didn’t hide his appreciation for drugs. His most recent album with the band was titled “Rehab.”

“Rehab”? Hmm, sounds a little familiar doesn’t it, Amy Winehouse?

Ah, if there is ever a person who deserves to take the Kurt Cobain exit, its Amy Winehouse.

“But-but-but, Unca Chaoz - she has a disease, she’s sick!”  Yes, and what do we do with sick animals?  >BANG!<

We’re not that lucky though - shit Pete Doherty, Britney, and Paris are all still breathing.  However, she definitely is going down fast judging by that lovely bag of “baking soda” she carries with her.

Sniff, sniff, Amy.  Sniff, sniff.

Actual booking photo

I give props for Kiefer Sutherland.  Just a few hours ago, he turned himself in and started serving his previously agreed to sentence.  Now, I’ve never watched a season of 24 (does he go to the bathroom or eat during those 24 hours?  Inquiring minds…) but not only has he volunteered to go in early.  Not only will he spend Xmas, New Years, and his birthday in the slammer; but he looks like he may actually have to spend 48 days in jail for a DUI arrest.

TMZ spoke with Glendale Police Chief Randy Adams, who said Kiefer will be treated “just like anyone else,” adding, “The fact that he’s a celebrity — he checked that at the door when he checked in.” Chief Adams said Sutherland will perform laundry and kitchen duties and will serve the entire 48 days consecutively. The Chief said Kiefer will not share a cell, but that is S.O.P. in Glendeezy because all “long term inmates” get their own digs.

Waitaminnit.  Lohan, Ritchie, and Paris spend like 5 days TOTAL for their various offenses but Kiefer has to spend 48 fuckin’ days for his second DUI?  Shit, two of these had coke on them!!  Obviously, Kiefer must be straight because unlike the three “Ho’migas” he didn’t suck any dick to decrease his time.

I’m now dying to see what happens to those three the next time one of them gets into trouble.  Until then, Kiefer is my new hero for fessing up and taking it like a man … uh, as long as he doesn’t drop the soap.

Poor Amy Winehouse, when she’s not busy visiting her hubby in jail, threatening her fans, and singing incoherently, she’s usually busy smoking and shooting everything in sight sleeping. So it’s no surprise that she was walking around “muttering incomprehensibly” in the early morning London chill wearing only a bra and jeans, right?

“She was not on an all-night bender,” her U.K. rep tells PEOPLE of Winehouse’s appearance outside her flat at 5:45 a.m. Sunday morning.

Winehouse, 24, was sound asleep when she heard a noise outside. Having had friends over earlier in the evening, she wondered if one returned, according to the rep, who said: “She heard all these noises, and she went outside to look and there were all these photographers.”

The rep added, “She’d been sound asleep, and then there were all these photographers – of course she looked startled.” (source)

Look on the bright side, at least she had clothes on. Yikes!

Quick hits for today: (Translation - Nothing significant enough for a solo post)

Lindsay likes to bounce – I still prefer her as a redhead (have I mentioned I love redheads?) but I still want to jump Lindsay Lohan. There I said it. Yes, I realize she’s a skank, a ho’, yadda yadda yadda. Nevertheless, still ride her like a pony on a carousel.

Anyway, she’s has done much of anything except to forget to wear a bra. Again. Well, Wonderbra’s loss is our gain.

Britney doesn’t like to pee in a cup - FedEx’s lawyer is hawking that Brit Brit missed 8 of 14 requested drug tests; so the attorney’s trying to restrict her visiting priviledges further. Um, if they actually did that — would she even notice they weren’t there? I have a feeling that if you took two stuffed dolls and taped her kids’ faces on them she’d think they we’re the real ones. “Oh, I jest luv my chidden now. Dey so kwite n’ behaffed. Why dey don’t even eight no more! Dey jes livit all der fud now to momma. And momma git REAL hun-GRAY!”

Mickey Rourke DUIs in a Vespa(?) - First, Bill Murray with a golf cart now this. Oy. Apparently, bad-ass Rourke was caught weaving in & out of traffic in his bad-ass … lime-green Vespa (basically a Rascal on steroids). According to the report he greeted the officers by cheerfully saying “What the fuck did I do?”. He was hauled downtown and blew a 0.081 on the magic machine (legal in Miami is 0.08 … oooh, so close).