The maximum width Lindsay’s vagina can take...
Yeah, yeah.  Lindsay Lohan is a slut.  Wait, not just a slut, but a megaslut.  An ultramegaslut.  A maxi-ultramegaslut….

And I still wanna fuck her.  Why?  Because she brings out something primal out in me.  Something that makes me want to grab her by the hair, slam her against my cave wall and bang her till her screams scare off the nearby wildlife.

…which oddly enough, she probably does once a week…

Anyway, here she is looking slutty/hot in Glamour.  Enjoy.  I know I will!

Oh, wait - already did.

I’m sure Christina Aguilera did something newsworthy. Maybe she save a bunch of kittens on the side of the road or maybe she found the cure for cancer.

Or - maybe she flashed just enough breast to make us wonder how far her milk streams go. I dunno, I’m not psychic.

Oh yeah, here some pics.

The Hottie and The Nottie

Well, it seems that between the current writers strike and Heath Ledger accidentally killing himself, some celebs decided it now was a good time to do that stint in rehab they all need to pad out their resumes.

As noted previously, Delta Burke is in a clinic/asylum/whatever for her hoarding tendencies.  Now comes additional news of two more celebs going in:

ContactMusic:

Hollywood actress KIRSTEN DUNST has become the latest star to reportedly check into rehab - joining the same Utah medical facility as EVA MENDES. According to U.S. magazine Star, the 25-year-old was admitted to Cirque Lodge after a week of wild partying at last month’s Sundance Film Festival. The facility is also the same centre where Lindsay Lohan spent last summer for substance abuse problems. A source tells Star, “She (Dunst) desperately needed help. She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears. “She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she’s getting the help she needs.”

Dunst recently dismissed rumours she was on the verge of a breakdown after reports surfaced of her alleged “erratic” behaviour at Sundance, with sources claiming her “odd” antics left friends apologising to other partygoers. But representatives for the Spider-Man star denied the reports insisting, “Kirsten is fine.”

I didn’t even know Eva was in rehab - but then again I’m just staring at that ass crack of hers and think the wonderful uses of butter… (ContactMusic):

EVA MENDES has only left rehab for a temporary break - and will be checking back into the Utah clinic, her publicist has confirmed. The actress entered the Cirque Lodge facility last month amid reports she was battling substance abuse issues. Her spokesperson revealed she was making a positive decision “to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues” - but Mendes left the centre on Wednesday and was spotted getting on a flight to Los Angeles. (H)er publicist insists the actress is only taking a short break from treatment at Cirque, and will be checking back in soon.

Back to Kirsten “Dunce”, apparently she’s not doing well.

“She’s not doing well,” a source close to Dunst told People magazine. (source)

See?

There’s a woman masturbating to this pic right now … and she teaches class tomorrow. 

I only have passing knowledge of the Jonas Brothers.  And in “passing” I mean like “passing gas” - I know it’s there but as long as it don’t smell I can ignore its existence.  Unfortunately, Disney has decided to ram down our collective throats air a new TV series with the boys (named “who cares”, “don’t give a shit”, “fuck you”, and “snot”).  As a band that’s really…

…a group of spies…

…that help their dad…

…who’s also a spy…

The writer’s are coming back for this shit??? (From HitsUsa):

J.O.N.A.S.! stands for “Junior Operatives Networking As Spies” and the Jonas Brothers are helping their dad - he’s also a secret agent - thwart the evil Dr. Harvey Fleischman, a diabolical dentist out to take over the minds of young people everywhere.

Think Austin Powers meets The Monkees and you’ll have the basis of the next surefire Disney Channel hit. The Jonas Brothers play themselves as high school rock stars who are also undercover secret agents.

I suddenly picture Mike Myers with a banana shoved up his ass - which would make more sense and at least as funny as this.  This reminds of the retarded cartoon show “Totally Spies!” which is only watchable because you can ogle teenage babes in spandex (hey, I didn’t make the show okay?).  Of course, this will be a massive hit with the tween and teen audiences as millions of young girls hit puberty simultaneously.

Shit, someone better lock R. Kelly up but quick!

This is actually one of her better days… 

In one of the most anxious moments in my recent memory (matching that time last week when I didn’t know if I had enough toilet paper to finish … “cleaning”), Amy Winehouse was first denied a Visa to come to the US.  Then she was granted one.  Now, she decides she wants to stay in the UK. (ContactMusic)

AMY WINEHOUSE has been granted a U.S. visa just 24 hours after she was banned from entering America to attend the Grammy Awards - but she still won’t travel to Los Angeles to perform at the ceremony (la-zy). The British singer was initially refused a visa at the U.S. embassy in London on Thursday, because of a drug conviction in Norway last October (Our Amy?  NAH!).

Following the decision, Grammy organisers arranged for Winehouse to perform live at Sunday’s event via a satellite link-up. But the embassy reversed its decision on Friday - after discussions involving “officials in the United States” (i.e.: some Winehouse fans in the State Department) concluded Winehouse can go to America. But the Rehab star has opted to remain in London.

A statement from her spokesperson reveals, “Following further discussions involving the U.S. embassy in London and officials in the United States, Amy Winehouse has been granted a visa to enter the United States Of America. “Unfortunately, due to the logistics involved and timing complications, Amy will not be travelling to the U.S. to perform at the Grammys in person. However, she will be performing via satellite broadcast as previously announced. “Amy would like to thank all of those people, in particular the staff involved at the U.S. embassy in London, who have all worked so hard to expedite her application. “She is looking forward to being a part of the 50th Annual Grammy Awards with her Sunday night performance and to going back to the US soon.”

“Logistics and timing complications” are what got me.  Yeah, it was too little time to figure out how to smuggle in the kilo of coke she needs for the performance in that beehive.  Not to mention the time required to insert that crackpipe up in there just right.  Nope, easier just to stay home get wasted, do her karaoke bit, and then finish getting wasted before waking up in a puddle of puke the next day.

Sorry peeples, been busy at my “real” job and it’s basically kicking my ass. I was on a diet for a week but I shot that to hell earlier.

>Sigh<

I need something to cheer me up.

HOARDER DELTA BURKE CHECKS INTO PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL

…that’ll work. From Contactmusic:

Beloved (um, a decade ago!) American TV star DELTA BURKE has checked into a psychiatric hospital in a desperate bid to conquer her obsessive-compulsive disorder and “hoarding” issues. The 51-year-old actress - who is famed for her role in U.S. comedy Designing Women in the late 1980s - admits she feared becoming one of those sad women who die under a pile of collected newspapers and bric-a-brack (too late).

She tells TMZ.com, “I was on so many medications and they just weren’t working and I knew I needed to get my meds worked out. I was on five (different medications). “We were thinking the mania hadn’t been properly diagnosed. “I have severe depression. I knew I had general anxiety and I knew I had problems with obsessive compulsion and the hoarding, which I really want to work on. “Have you seen those shows where they don’t find the body for days? And they go in to clean up, and it’s stacks of newspapers up to the ceiling? That’s hoarding, and I hate it.”

Oh God, where do I start?

First of all, we all knew she had a hoarding problem … she’s been hoarding food in those jowls for several years now. It’s a mouth, Delta, not a food bank.

Second, she’s afraid they couldn’t find her body for days underneath stacks of newspaper?? Be hard to miss her unless she’s buried under the New York Public Library. Besides the smell of rotting pork would be easy for the dogs to spot anyway.

…

What? I’m a little frustrated, okay?

INSTA-UPDATE: Her hubby/cook/keeper sez she’s NOT in the loony bin but is in a clinic to adjust her medication. So instead of 3 handfuls of pills maybe she only takes 2. Good for her!

Eva Mendes looking great (as usual) in UK Maxim (3/08)

Hayden Panettiere at the Pepsi Music launch - she’s like a pocket-size BoyToy Girl

Anne Hathaway showing off her contours at the Miss Sixty Fashion Show

Alyssa Milano show very little at the Playboy Super Bowl Party (and one of the few times we’ll see “Alyssa Milano” and “Playboy” in the same sentence).

Two words:  TOUCH FOOTBALL
I’m kind of reminded of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.   Of course, in this case; it’s all of us and the still more Britney news.  It’s seems as if even locked up in the looney bin (see below) she still manages to get into the news.  Amazing.

Well, the news starts on legal front with Jamie Spears (her dad, not the teenage pregnant slut) taking over her finances and basically running the Spears media “empire”.  That’s not saying so much about Jamie since he pretty much gets it by default.  An added bonus is he gets to decide who sees Britney while she enjoys her stay in “Casa De Locos”.  Of course, one of the first ‘casualties’ was Sam Lutfi…

Spears’ estranged parents and Lutfi were reported to have joined forces to have the singer admitted to Los Angeles’ UCLA Medical Center on Thursday morning, where she was placed on 72-hour psychiatric hold. But Lutfi is now claiming Britney’s parents are more concerned with money and their image than their daughter’s wellbeing, branding them “incapable of telling the truth and incapable of sympathising”.

(H)e insists he has “a moral obligation” to protect the 26-year-old like he would with any of his three sisters. He also maintains he has never been paid by Spears and “never accepted money from the media” for tip offs about the star’s whereabouts. (source)

Riiiiiiiiiight.

Then Lufti decided to take this to the next level.  Well, to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show anyway….

Lutfi … phoned Los Angeles radio host Ryan Seacrest on Thursday night to gush about his “sister”, Britney, and the mental health problems that prompted a headline-grabbing intervention early on Thursday morning. Allowing Seacrest to repeat his comments during his breakfast show on Friday, a tearful Lutfi also took aim at the pop star’s family, insisting they were “incapable of telling the truth and incapable of sympathising” and  “They came into the house with an agenda and are trying to look like the heroes after all the dirty work has been done. Their main worry is being financially cut off.”

Britney’s mum fired back by personally calling Seacrest to “set the record straight”. Off-air, she told the DJ not to believe everything written and said about her in the media, insisting her only concern is for her daughter’s well-being. Spears is currently on a 72-hour emergency hold at UCLA Medical Center, where she is undergoing psychiatric tests. (source)

Ryan Seacrest a “DJ” … hmm, I doubt it.  Anyway, about those 72 hours?  Yeah, well…

Britney Spears will likely spend the next two weeks in a psychiatric centre’s padded cell, it has been claimed.  According to reports the disturbed singer has been declared a danger to herself or others by staff at the UCLA Medical Centre.  The 26-year-old had initially been set to stay at the Los Angeles centre for 72 hours after being sectioned last week.  But a hospital source told People magazine: “Britney Spears’ hospitalisation has been extended to an additional 14-day hold.”

Meanwhile it has been claimed that the singer’s parents have reported a theft of many of their daughter’s possessions in the hours after she was sectioned.  Press reports claim Lynne and Jamie Spears blame Britney’s manager Sam Lufti for the thefts.

But he retorted: “First they take her kids, then her home and money. Britney does not have anything left.” (source)

Now theft?  Jeez, this is sounding like an episode of Matlock.  A very bad episode, but nevertheless.

So where are Britney’s lawyers in all this, you asked?  Well, even if you didn’t, they’re not thrilled that their piggybank client doesn’t have control of the purse strings, SO…

Lawyers for troubled singer BRITNEY SPEARS are heading to court to fight an order which has given her father control of her estate, according to U.S. reports. The Toxic star is currently being held at a Los Angeles hospital for psychiatric treatment and on Friday a judge granted her father Jamie, and his lawyer Andrew Wallet, temporary conservatorship - meaning they are in complete charge of Spears’ medical, financial and legal affairs. Jamie even has the right to restrict people visiting the 26-year-old.

But a further court hearing is scheduled for Monday and according reports from People.com and TMZ.com, Spears’ attorneys are expected to object to the amount of control which has been handed to her father. Meanwhile, a planned hearing in the singer’s ongoing custody battle for her two sons is expected to go ahead without her on Monday. (source)

Hmm, I’m suddenly struck by the phrase “lawyer orgy”.

Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned the “Streisand connection”.  Oh yeah, you heard right.

BRITNEY SPEARS’ fortune came to the fore in court on Monday as part of her ongoing legal battles for custody of her kids and control of her finances. With the pop star committed to a psychiatric hospital, her new attorney Adam Streisand represented her in court and was asked to reveal details of the singer’s worth. This comes after her father Jamie was given control of his troubled daughter’s financial and legal affairs in an emergency hearing on Friday.

Streisand, who is Barbra Streisand’s second cousin, asked the court commissioner to reconsider Jamie Spears’ new role as conservator of his client’s. According to TMZ.com, Streisand asked for Spears’ business manager, Howard Grossman, to be named conservator. In his argument, the attorney told the court his client’s estate is worth $40 million, and he revealed she is currently in the middle of a $17 million tax audit. Streisand lost his bid to overturn the conservatorship ruling after the judge declined to change Friday’s order.

The matter will be revisited at a hearing on 14 February. Meanwhile, the court also imposed a ban on Spears engaging in any form of communication with her self-proclaimed manager, Sam Lutfi.

Monday was a big day in court for Spears - even though she wasn’t physically there. Another lawyer, Anne Kiley, was in court for the latest hearing into Spears’ child custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline and his attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan. That hearing was quickly rescheduled to 19 February. Outside the court, a frustrated Kaplan, Federline’s lawyer, said, “It’s a very fluid landscape that’s changing day by day.” (source)

Well that’s the understatement of the millenium so far.  Two new lawyers?  A tax audit?  Streisand??  I thought soap operas were hard to follow.  All that’s missing is for the ‘real’ Britney to come out of the woods and tell the world that the ‘fake’ Britney is actually a woman she paid to be her double but then the double had the real Britney kidnapped but then couldn’t handle the strain of being in the media spotlight.

Oh laugh, but right now; it would not surprise me one bit.

Alright! The Unca is feeling pretty cranky today. I’m horny and on a diet.

…

FUCK! I sound like Mary Kate Olsen or something.

Anyway, here’s today’s choice selections - damn, I don’t know if I want to eat them out or just eat them.

(more…)

I could achieve that position in my dreams.  NOT!

This is something more a “local” flavor so pardon me in advance.  From ContactMusic:

EVA LONGORIA-PARKER is so desperate to have babies with husband TONY PARKER, the couple are “practicing” like crazy. After swatting away rumours of Parker’s infidelity just weeks after their wedding, the actress insists the couple are smitten - but she laughs off reports she is already pregnant. She says, “We’ve got big families. I can’t wait and we’re practicing a lot. But I’m not pregnant. If I was I would singing it from the rooftops.”

In “unrelated news”, Tony Parker is out indefinitely with a bone spur in his left heel.

Um, aside from the irony of a Spur being taken out by a spur … Tony, you and Eva need to stick to normal positions.  Shit, cut down the trapeze and stay on the fuckin’ bed next time, okay?