CelebrityFIST!

Nobody likes me / everyone hates me / gonna go home / and eat worms

Poor Gwyneth Paltrow.  Well not “poor” exactly.  I mean, she’s rich and shit.  But poor in a metaphorical sense - aw hell, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Then again neither does Gwyneth, at least according to Hindu scholar Rajan Zed; who apparently has had enough of the GOOP girl’s goop:

There are not many deep, spiritual and philosophical thoughts in the blog, which are an essential part of nourishing the inner self. The actress needs to grow-up and stop writing about mundane topics like ‘Boots by Gucci’, ‘Banana Pancakes’, ‘The Hungry Cat’ and ‘Tweezerman’ - in which she talks about taming the unruly eyebrows of men. Instead, she needs to talk about topics like realizing self, immortality, deeper reality, eternity, soul, inner realms of the mind and spirit, pure consciousness. That’s if she’s truly serious about inner aspect. (ContactMusic)

If she wants to be ‘deep’, that’s cool.  But it helps to actually have some DEPTH to be deep.

Species IV: The Succubus Strikes!

You know there’s a reason why I group all of Paris Hilton’s antics together and dump’em in one post.  Because face it, a little Paris goes a very long way (particularly if you get the herpes from her).

So, in full glory is Paris Hilton ‘expressing’ her ‘love’ for her ‘boyfriend’, Doug Reinhart.  Sorry, if you’ve eaten lunch.  My apologies. 

Now I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve never had a french kiss but this…this looks so wrong.  Seriously, it looks like she swallows live rats for lunch.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see the corpses of several ex-boyfriends still lying in her gullet.

…PIN-NO-CHIO!!!

Also, she’s apparently come t-h-i-s close to having outright public sex.  Hell, the French are tolerant but even they have standards about bestiality…
Of course that’s not to say this is only idiotic thing Paris has done.  So far on her trip, she’s flashed her panties - AGAIN (see below), she lost her phone - AGAIN.  She also attempted to charge clubs $100,000 for her to grace her presence (no one bought).  Plus, if a blind item is correct; Doug may have freaked after losing his coke down a toilet.

Meanwhile, back home; her neighbors have had enough of her even though she’s actually only been there for a few days:

The neighbor says Hiltie is ruining his life. She’s lived there a grand total of 5 days … already cops have been called twice because of loud parties, screaming and yelling, and vandalism.
The house in the Hollywood Hills had been listed at $22,000 a month. So the neighbor is willing to give the landlord $27,000 a month if Paris goes away.
And get this … we’re told the neighbor complained to Doug yesterday about all the ruckus since Paris moved in. Doug said, “This is what you have to expect because Paris and I are public figures. (TMZ)

The ironic thing is that Paris Hilton is so desperate to make money she should just have the neighbor’s pay HER to not live in the house while she pays the rent on it.  Oh wait, she doesn’t have anymore non-herpified brain cells left.  Nevermind.

Life’s a beach…babe.

Keifer Sutherland has some ‘asplaining to do (Celebslam) - oh Keifer you should no better than to even ATTEMPT trouble while on probation.  Take it from someone who knows. 

Famke Janssen rides her a bike, listens to music, AND gives everyone a show!  (RichAndBrainless) - you just gotta love a woman who can multi-task!

Criss Angel is a pussy who will steal your pussy (TheSuperficial) - no no, not your girlfriend.  Your cat. … No.  Really.
Tila Tequila Nguyen might be pregnant (Celebslam) - shit.  And me without my wooden stake, silver bullet, and holy water…

Jessica Alba:  Teekets?  We don’t need no steenking teekets!  (DrunkenStepfather) - and before any lurkers get PC on my ass.  I’m Hispanic - so fuck off.

Kristin Davis gives up on marriage (ContactMusic) - translation:  she’ll put out without discussing long term shit.  SCORE!

L’Oreal whitewashes Freida Pinto for their ads (GoneHollywood) - First Beyonce now Freida…  Now we know why there’s no “United Colors of L’Oreal” - its just one color. 

Today’s set - just a bunch of beach babes!

(more…)

WARNING - PENIS AHEAD (no pun intended)

Alright, there’s only one reason why I do this and its because it was on another celeb blog, so it’s kinda like news.  Uh, theoretically.

Plus, I put up a shitload of naked women so I guess I do this so I don’t look so misogynistic (too late).

Ok, back in the early days of this blog I actually was trying to balance the tits/dick ratio that’s generally unseen … well short of any gay website.  However after a couple of weeks of doing this, I had an epiphany of sorts.  I was actively looking for male genitalia pics.  Now - I’m a hetero male confortable in my own hetero-ness but I figured out the following in rapid succession.

1. I have no idea what a ‘nice looking penis’ looks like
2. Most of the penis pictures I found invariably were linked to gay porn sites.
3. I was ‘wasting’ my time looking for peen when I could looking for porn for myself.

Finally a ex-girlfriend of mine (who’s bi) summed it up for me:  Penises are ugly unless erect.  And most women don’t want to see an erect penis - they went to be ON an erect penis.  In other words, this is why (generally) women don’t look at porn like we do.  Men tend to fantasize about having sex - women actually go out and have sex.  Capiche?

Okay enough of sex studies - below is a pic of Dolph Lungren’s wang while he’s on the beach.  I’ve got nothing except that at least (for him) in ain’t a steroid dick - because you can actually see it.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED MEN:

(more…)

Lindsay Lohan leaving Sam Ronson’s house after doing her “carpet” (Popsugar) - eh, she’s beyond fracture anyway.  So what’s the worse that can happen at THIS point, right?

Cameron Diaz brags about getting out of a speeding ticket (ContactMusic) - it’s called a blowjob sweetie and don’t fucking pretend it was your “acting skills”. 

Blind Item - Who’s so desperate for kid, she plans on using a gay friend? (BlindGossip) - oh gee, what’s the name of that actress making the film “The Baster”??

Tara Reid’s mutant cans are at Cannes (TheSuperficial) - uh, unless she’s promoting a film like “Bathroom Whores 14″, she probably could be doing something constructive (like playing in traffic).

The secret of Lisa Rinna’s lips?  Hardened silicone.  No. Really.  (DListed) - worse still is that she actually seems PROUD of that. 

Cindy Crawford’s husband has some ‘asplaining to do (Celebslam) - seriously, dude.  Is fucking Cindy Crawford THAT boring??
Picture set - Dye redhead job likes to play.  Enjoy! (more…)

Not relevant to anything here, but if you’re a fan of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (and if you’re not, shame on you!) I’ve got some news for you.  For those who don’t know I’m a MST3K addict.  So much so that when the one good stream was about to be taken down due to lack of financial support, Unca Chaoz swooped in to sponsor it.  I don’t pay much a month (I spend more in 10 minutes at a stripclub) and there’s 150 viewing slots.

Now for the record, I don’t officially run it (the founder does) because I don’t know how to do any of that streaming stuff (but I’m in the process of learning).  But since I now am its sole sponsor, I’d be remissed if I didn’t at least share it with you.

BTW - no I don’t make a dime with it nor is that ever the intention (make $ on the internet - yeah right!  ).

No donations necessary - but a redhead (female!) once a month will suffice. 

To access on WinAmp:  click ‘File’ and ‘Play URL’ and type in the following (or copypasta):

http://www.nofadz.com/chaozengine150.m3u

To access on VLC:  click ‘Media’ and ‘Open Network’ and copypasta above.

ENJOY!

Oh yeah, fair fight…

One Hollywood source revealed yesterday: “Gwyneth has become very frustrated with Scarlett. They come from different worlds and have completely different styles. Gwyneth has found Scarlett very demanding of the attention of the crew. It’s not a happy set.”
The on-set source added: “Gwyneth and Scarlett have never been particularly close.
“Gwyneth was looking forward to working with EMILY BLUNT, who was originally in line for the part, but it ended up being Scarlett. Gwyneth’s had to live with that and she has been very professional, but she and Scarlett haven’t developed a friendship on the shoot, which is almost at the half way point.
“In fact, it’s quite the opposite.” (TheSun)

Gee, maybe it has something to do with this:

Scarlett Johansson’s outfit for Iron Man 2 has been altered — because it was showing off her intimate areas.

“She looked stunning in this skin-tight black suit that left absolutely nothing to the imagination,” an insider reports. “Scarlett has got into incredible shape for this movie and her costume really highlights this.“The only thing is that certain more intimate areas were a little too highlighted so the wardrobe department have had to make a few alterations to ensure Iron Man 2 doesn’t end up an adults only movie.”

Iron Man 2 director Jon Favreau recently revealed that Johansson silenced the crew when she arrived onset in her skimpy outfit.  (ShowbizSpy)

SO - apparently “very demanding of the attention of the crew” means “giving rock-hard erections to the crew”.

It sounds like the set is VERY happy, if anything.  Sounds like the only poopoo-ing is the GOOP girl.

…

BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! 

If you’ve noticed anything different in my writing its because instead of the Xanax I normally take (which leaves me zonked and basically unbloggable) or alcohol (which is FAR more interesting but can’t do on a worknight), I’ve started taking this stuff called L-theanine.  Its an amino acid found in green tea and some think it may explain why green tea has an overall calming effect despite the presence of caffeine.

Seems to work though it does make me drowsy (but its pretty late already which may explain that as well).  We’ll see how it goes.

Onto the Goodie gumdrops! (more…)

I’m trying to write how there’s a point in life when you realize you need to quit.  But then I forget that Jessica Simpson does not have a working neuron in that mass of fatty tissue she uses as a brain.  Granted it probably looks like a brain and may act like a brain but, it isn’t.

The reason I say all this is because Jessica Simpson can’t seem to remember the words to her own songs:

Jessica Simpson was left lost for words again onstage in California on Friday night when she forgot the lyrics to her song “Remember That.” The pop star famously flubbed her Dolly Parton tribute song at the Kennedy Center Honors in Washington, D.C. in 2006 and then twice this year forgot the words to the same song she mangled on Friday.

She tried to play down the gaffe with humor, telling the audience, “I always forget this,” adding “I didn’t write it.” The singer then joked, “It just comes with the whole Jessica Simpson thing.”  (SF Chronicle)

Well there’s nothing I like more than seeing a ‘professional’ not knowing what the fuck she’s doing after forking over my hard earned cash just so she can take it back to daddy.  Its amazing she even has people going to her “concerts” just to hear her ramble on about how she can’t remember shit.  But then I realize these are probably the same people who go see the hermaphrodite Brooke Hogan go and “perform”.

This one doesn’t even deserve the Louisville Slugger.  Just pelt her with tuna cans next time you see her.

Coco Austin (I think that’s her name, too lazy to look) apparently now has a magazine or something out.  Wow.  Most strippers are happy with a couple of hundred in the hands, enough blow to get them thru the day and just having to suck dick once (instead of 5 or 6 times like during $5 nights).  Not the Coc-ster though.  She wants to be a STAR!

Of course, in her case it helps if you marry ex-rapper/actor/pimp Ice-T.  Kinda makes the “hook-ups” easier.  And …. shit lets face it.  If she needed to pay for her meds by blowing me - yeah, they’d be free. 

So here’s the pics of her showing off her assets and basically being her ho-self.  You know, I almost respect her for that cause at least she KNOWS she’s a ho and plays the game with it.  Eh, more power to her. (more…)